I never realized that there was an ACTUAL name for who I am, or who I am when it comes to relationships. I want so bad to be wanted by someone who is unavailable. My last relationship I was with someone who told me one more than one occasion he was unsure about wanting a family someday (one thing that I strongly want) and did not know if he had any belief in a higher power. However, when I expressed my concerns and said I did not know if I could be with someone who I did not share similar beliefs and goals. He would tell me to "give him time" although he's 30 and if he wants a family, he would know. Anyways, he was never really emotionally available for me, but took everything I could give. Then when he left I have obsessed about him, who he's with, convinced myself that every girl he's with will be "his one" and he'll become that person I always thought he could be and have all the things I wanted for us. I can't stand my own head at times, and how much I let it get to me. It drives me crazy at times. Then I will start to think logically, take the emotions out, and I feel better. But that is only for a little while then I let the emotions take over all over again. I need to stop obsessing about someone that does not care about me.
You are right LovelyJune, so very right. I went to a couseling session tonight and a lot of what that article said we discussed. I tend to always view myself as the problem, trying to become something I am not. It's time for me to put some value into myself and find someone who has similar values as me. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute I may have to work on this, but I'm not about to give up. Thank you for the article!
hurt2heal, my ex was just like yours. Early 30s, wishy-washy about what he wanted in life. One day he'd want a stable life with a good job, wife and kids, by that nite he'd have changed his mind and want something totally different like his own business and "freedom" (whatever that is). This flip-flopping went on with EVERYTHING. So frustrating to deal with. I was too scared emotionally to be on my own and without him that I stayed with his flip-flopping for 2.5 years until I finally saw the light and realized I didn't have to put up with it anymore and would be better off alone. Once we broke up I also sometimes wondered if he'd met someone else and if he'd become to her the man I'd always wanted him to be. Then I realized that I really didn't care. He'd been with me for 2.5 years, been with his girlfriend before me for 6 years, and had been with the girl before her during his college years. According to the stuff he told me about his behavior during those relationships, he had been the exact same person throughout that entire time period. NOTHING EVER CHANGED. Not a thing. According to him, all three of those r'ships progressed and ended the EXACT SAME WAY. It was like his love life was this book where every chapter is just a repeat of the last, with a different leading lady.
I'm glad I got out of that mess. hurt2heal, unless he gets help and understands he has a problem, your ex will likely never change. If he moves on to someone else that girl will go through the same drama you did, just like I went thru the same drama with my ex as his prior gf had been thru with him. The EXACT SAME DRAMA. Pitiful! And if he does get better, more power to him! Wish him nothing but peace and happiness.
hurt2heal, think about this: Think about how much would have to change with your ex for him to be the type of guy you want to spend the whole rest of your life with. He'd have to make a whole lot of changes, right? Would you want to be with someone who had to change who they are so much? No! Instead a healthier approach is to seek out men who are already what you are looking for in a mate. We can't expect people to change to our expectations. That's just not fair. We wouldn't want someone to expect us to change just to make them happy so we can't go around expecting that of others. What we can do is make healthy choices about the people in our lives and either allow them in or kick them out according to how their values, beliefs and expectations line up with ours. This is something I am finally learning for myself and it so so helpful to remember.
So the next time you begin obsessing, try telling yourself, out loud "I am over this guy! I am SO over him. There are better options out there." Find or create some good affirmations you can say aloud to yourself everyday. Write them down on post-its and put them everywhere. I have them on my vision board and on my mirror. They say things like "I deserve a healthy relationship." "Don't settle for sstuffs!" "You will find love again!" Seeing and saying these things to myself everyday has changed my way of thinking. I no longer obsess and I definitely don't want to be with my ex again, nor do I care what he is doing or whom he's doing it with.
If you need help coming up with positive affirmations there are books out there on the subject. Google "affirmations" or search for it on Amazon.com and several things should pop up. Ebay would have some good stuff too. They even have little pocket notebooks and calendars full of affirmations you can tote around with you everyday to read in your car, at work, etc.