Post by bubblesbaby on Jul 15, 2012 10:37:10 GMT -8
I woke up angry off. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, irritable, frustrated, bored... angry off. I don't want to write. I don't want to talk. I don't want to eat or work out or entertain my 3yr old. I really want to clean my house, but my daughter won't let me... People annoy me.
I really hate feeling like this. I hate my life. Yesterday I was driving, i turned a corner too fast and almost lost control of my car. Luckily, I didn't panic but gained control of my car and things were fine. Afterward I cried, because I thought, "dam that was my chance. i could've just drove right off the cliff!" ugh.. what the f*ck is happening to me??? I just can't seem to snap out of this.
I have plenty to be greatful for. I have amazing kids. I have amazing friends. I live in a beautiful place. My kids are healthy. I'm physically healthy. Why am i miserable???
I also 'have it all' on the outside -- a spouse who is emotionally available and loving, great children, gainfully employed at a job I love, delightful family and supportive friends, wonderful home. And yet....
I am an addict. I crave. I also have a propensity towards anxiety. And to top it all off, I was a victim of covert incest at the hands of my mother. I am a case of arrested development when it comes to sex/love. My psychiatrist said I have not had a sober sexual experience or experienced mature love. But I am working on it -- with the help of my therapist, psychiatrist and staying away from acting-out behaviors.
Without self-love and serious recovery work, we will indeed be miserable...
Post by Loving My Life on Jul 15, 2012 12:18:38 GMT -8
Bubbles, you are in withdrawals, you are in alot of pain and you are hurting, this is why you are feeling like this. Having your heart broke and being betrayed is no fun. But hurting yourself more, by thinking you would have been better off if you had of drove off a cliff, is not the answer, you have people and children who love you. Who was you really wanting to hurt if you did kill or hurt yourself? This is the time to pamper yourself, give yourself a hug, go look in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love YOU. Sometimes all we can do is just sit with our feeings. Are you journaling? Can you go to meetings? or do online meetings? What have you done for YOURSELF today? Hugs to you, I have been right where you are, and it does get better, but we have to do alot of work for ourselves.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Post by bubblesbaby on Jul 15, 2012 12:41:52 GMT -8
Gosh, its nice to know I'm not alone. I have amazing friends, but most don't understand and they think I'm being dramatic. They get annoyed because my PoA and I are always either getting back together or breaking up. Like, weekly. It truly is insanity.
I realize I am going thru withdrawl. I know it'll get easier and better... Every time I hear the words "it's a lot of work, write/journal, meetings, therapy ect" I want to vomit. Plz don't get me wrong, i know thats true, and I know I HAVE to do the work it's just that when I'm drowning in all this anger, irritation ect... I don't want to do the f'n work. I just want to go back to my PoA and be calm and pretend I'm happy. Or drive off a cliff--- which honestly seems like a more healthy answer.
I don't love me. AT ALL. i think I'm pathetic, weak, and worthless. I think doing all this work is a waste of time, cuz I'll always be sick. I can't look in the mirror cuz i feel ugly and i just cry. IDK...
I'm going to meetings for AA and SLA almost every day. I go to a support group for abused women once a week, and I go to therapy once a week. It's time consuming and exhausting but it makes me feel better.