I have read that most are being triggered by anxiety, boredom, fear, depression, or any other negative emotion.
While when I slipped into breaking NC it was usually due to "feeling happy". In fact all my recent (rare) slips were due to me "feeling so good" and wanting to share that positive energy by forwarding email or sending quotations to my POA.
Has anyone experienced this? Any thought or advice on this?
Last Edit: Dec 20, 2011 12:30:15 GMT -8 by overcomer
Wow. Thank you. What a revelation! I never thought of that.
I'm not sure if I get you right but did you mean that I should think of myself "powerless always" in order to prevent slipping in this case? In what way should I think of myself as powerless w/o being "negative" (the "cannot" do it attitude)?
My POA has suffered from depression in the past so sharing positive input w/ her has been a strong trigger to me.
Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 20, 2011 13:20:10 GMT -8
Interesting point overcomer. It's where I'm at now, only without the wanting to contact my PoA. I think I've also experienced that exact thing you talk about with the desire to contact him. Yes, I remember it. It was before I had decided there was no hope. I would associate feeling good with connecting with him.
I don't obsess over him anymore. It's really subsided. I'm aware I still like to think about him sometimes but it's without the yearning. Its more appreciating what I had with him, the cool things that I got to learn about and experience, and a letting go of wanting more.
Now I think about him and I just imagine him there in his house and it's absolutely OK that he doesn't want to change for me. Nearly. I think he's missed out. But actually it's a kind thing he has missed out because I want something totally different to what he wants. No drugs, working towards living with people in community. It's a BIG difference. He would hate it.
But yeah, the mind is a tricky creature, and "hope that he/she will change" is hard to kill. Now that I understand a lot more how hard it is to change for myself, I understand what he's up against. Plus many other way harder things than i have to deal with.
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Thanks Jacarandagirl for sharing and relating. And nice to know that you are not obsessing anymore also. We don't yearn any longer for them. But isn't it when we feel great at times we want to pass that feeling around and since knowing that our POAs are not in recovery yet we think of them as "good recipients" or receivers of positive energy? How do you go about that? I don't mean trying to change them. But sharing out of good will only. No expectation for any return.
Last Edit: Dec 20, 2011 13:35:49 GMT -8 by overcomer
Oh is that so! So 12 steps is a lifetime thing? And if it's a "step 1" does a person has to restart the whole 12 steps again or only the specific step a person needs at a given time (granted he/she has taken all the 12 steps already before)? Also, did you mean that no matter how long you have been sober or in recovery you have to keep that mindset of being powerless? Thank you.
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 21, 2011 4:38:25 GMT -8
It my opinion, it is a design for living that works. If you have done a thorough 12steps, then it may not be necessary to do all the steps again, but if you have had a relapse yes it is a good idea to do the steps again. Things and situations change in your life, so it could not hurt. you need to do a thorough 4th step and get gut level honest, or you will just keep making the same mistakes. It takes what it takes, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly....it is always a personal choice.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
I'd like to add that no matter how much I feel good, once I connect w/ POA it almost always pulls me down afterwards. No matter how positive and well-meaning my approaches are she's very negative and dark about it. Nothing is ever good enough for her. Bec that's how her mom treated her too.
So you are right that I'm powerless over it! Thank you!
Last Edit: Dec 21, 2011 9:06:06 GMT -8 by overcomer
Oh Requin thanks for sharing your own similar experience. It helps to know that we are not alone in this "battle". It seems their negativity couldn't handle our positivity so they try to put us down or discourage us from reaching out to them peacefully.
Yes. NC is the way to go about it. That's why whenever I'm triggered to send a word of encouragement I review my notes 1st on the "disastrous effects" of connecting w/ POA and that would stop me from "fantasy" of connecting again. So far so good. :-)
Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 21, 2011 13:56:44 GMT -8
If you think you will somehow regain power then you're not really doing the 12 steps in earnest.
I see it differently. We do have power once we are in recovery. Our power comes from the "we" of recovery. The serenity prayer spells it out. I am powerless over the past, my addiction, other people, etc. (things I cannot change), but we can gain power with help in a carefully constructed life we call recovery.
"We" becomes "I" again when we have grown in the areas of self-esteem and healing from the past.
The first step in complicated. It is meant to confess defeat so we will humbly reach out for help from God and others in recovery. Once we have admitted powerlessness things change.
I don't know when the first step evolved from we are powerless over "something" to we are powerless over "everything." We are not. This is simply not true. Sort out the wheat from the chaff.