I am realizing in order to recover I have had to let go of some gal pals who offer no support because they are lost in thier on toxic addictions. It is painful to let go of even a friendship I keep letting them back in my world expecting different results and they end up hurting my feelings by acting out disrespectfully and their denial of their own issues is frustrating so I decided to let them go on and find new healthy friendships with sober people and those who are trying to recover and renew thier lives to better health and spirituality. But it hurts to let go of gal pals you feel you need for some reason even tho they are not healthy for me.
We will all heal, it takes time. We should all be patient with ourselves and love ourselves.
Post by sillypoppet on Apr 26, 2010 9:25:51 GMT -8
I lost my best friend of 7 years because our friendship had become toxic... it was really, really painful because the friendship had become so codependent. However, I know that I made the right decision, even if it caused excessive drama. I started recovery after this happened, and I believe the distance has been good for both of us (we started talking a year later, but we're not close). She is the child of an alcoholic and struggles with similar issues to my own. The last time I spoke to her, she was admitting that she was out of control and needed help (something she would never acknowledge before). Anyways, you have to take care of yourself first, and you did the right thing... I can't "save" this friend, and she certainly can't save me either.
mine abandoned me same as poa did. 40 years plus friendship. he was supposed top opresent me with my 18 year aa medallion, and ... forgot.... he also didnt show when my father was sick, and didnt come to the funeral.... gossiped about me, hung out with my enemies, non friends....now i know he is just a dry alcoholic, selfish, and very sick. He is SA and dont even know...and they are sick puppies.
Good riddance...but...ovberall...one bad year for abandonment. Miss poa today still. want to make contact so bad.
Wow. This thread just made a HUGE, LOUD, bell go off in my head. Good lord. All my closest friends are LA and SA. No wonder it's been so hard to recover. I was going through my list of friends just now thinking, "Well surely there is ONE of my many many friends who isn't LA or SA..." and no, they ALL are. A lot of the automatic thoughts I have when I look at men are phrases THEY say on a regular basis that I have picked up. Thanks for triggering that recognition. I need to start changing my friend landscape.
Last Edit: May 13, 2010 15:27:43 GMT -8 by torchiere
I work with 2 women who talk about their boyfriends, constantly. I am sure they are both codependent love addicts. I am tired listening to their conversations about the men in their lives. I do not need to know about the details of their relationships, especially the sex life. i am thinking of changing my place of work. this does not feel right to me. they are my superiors. there are no boundaries
I couldn't cope with that either gordana, would drive me nutts but i guess we need to look at why these things push our buttons. Its usually about our expectations of how others 'should' behave and it would be a good challenge to see if you can stay within your serenity whilst being around them.
This is what i try to do as i work with my dad who is really very toxic to me but i am mananging to stay centred around him because i am taking care of myself and learning to speak up for myself.
I too am working on this very issue. I had a friend who had actually been a previous POA that I let go of a month or so ago. Good friends so to speak, said he cared, blah blah blah but it was all me doing the work. hardly ever made contact and it was always about him so made the decision to let it go. Very smart decision. Have another friend I was close to and she has not been around much and again Ive been the one making all the contact so I have not contacted her again either. There needs to be effort on both sides and the friendship should be based on mutual respect and consideration, care for each other. Never one sided and also never toxic where they bring you down! Very difficult decisons but ones you will feel good about afterward because it frees you and helps you move on in recovery. Rick, cannot believe that your friend forgot your 18 year medallion! Good riddance is right! Surrounding ourselves with good caring friends who support us is what we need now. You are doing so well in you recovery! I understand the missing part. Wonder will it ever go away???
This is what I have been dealing with for a week now. Had to let go of one (my poa). Now i have a good friend who I need to let go of too. Its one sided. I give and give and get nothing but excuses in return. Plus she is dealing with her own addictions. So its best for both of us to let go. And I just dont have the energy or desire left to give give give anymore.
"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso