Some days ago I realised my obsession with my poa had vanished. Or at least, I felt indifferent towards him. It was like things with him had happened a long, long time ago and I only had a vague memory of the emotions he caused in me.
For the first time in many years, I feel my life is okay as it is. I do not need a partner, there´s no rush. But now I´ve become aware of an intense fear of losing my mother, we are very close. This fear has been in the background for about 20 years, since she was diagnosed with an agressive cancer that went in remission after years of different therapies.
When she was first diagnosed, I was having my first "serious" (stable) romantic relationship. I know that my then boyfriend was a positive distraction from the situation in my family. When this relationship ended, some years later, I panicked and I think that is when I had my first symptoms of LA.
Anyway, some weeks ago I noticed I enjoy spending time with my mother and my children so much that I don´t care I´m not spending it with a partner. So then I freaked out because I know that even if the cancer hasn´t returned, she isn´t getting any younger. I don´t think I´ll be able to deal with losing her. This scares me terribly and I suspect my addiction to poas was a way to mask these fears but now that I´m seeing them I don´t know what to do about them. It´s too painful, much worse than the LA. I really don´t know what to do.
Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 26, 2012 22:54:15 GMT -8
I would do self-enquiry on the thought- "I don't think I'll be able to deal with losing her". When people we love are sick they have their own path to walk and when I can't bear the thought of losing them, I more or less deny the value of their path to them. Because I don't like the idea of losing them. I realised when I first started CoDA that I had virtually no reference point for "letting go" of someone. I was so used to chasing after unavailable people. I never knew it was important to be able to let go.
So glad you are losing your obsession with your PoA.
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Thank you Jaca, that really helps. I felt at peace after reading your reply, it must be the first time someone told me something useful in this matter.
As for the poa, I am more and more certain that he was more of a reflection of my difficulties with my father, I was not really in love with him. Sometimes I even dream that he is my father, how literal can you get? lol