It's almost time for bed, and I'm dreading it. My house is empty and I know that as soon as I turn off the light my heart will start pounding and I'll feel unbearably alone. I am not sure what my anxiety is telling me to confront during these moments but I hate this feeling so much that I will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to avoid sleeping alone.
What is wrong with me? Why am I 25 years old and afraid of my empty house? How can I tell myself that I'll be okay tonight, and the night after that, and the night after that, even if I'm not with a partner?
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 23, 2011 4:11:10 GMT -8
Do you have PTSD? Did something traumatic happen at night to you? A therapist can help.
Take it one night at a time.
Do you have a ritual before bed? If you know you will be feeling anxiety, could you take a bath first and hold the intention that you are Safe and you are not alone. Light a candle, fill your room with Love?
You are not alone:You have you and your higher power.
I too was exactly like this after my divorce. In a big, lonely house all by myself was too much to bear. I cried myself to sleep night after night. I felt untethered and free floating. I wouldn't even sleep in the master bedroom (that room is for a parent, a grown up and I'm not one of those! Mind you I was 40 at the time!).
You can start strengthening yourself by refusing to believe the lie that we all need to be partnered up. That we all need to be living with someone. This is not true and one of the things that held me back. I was angry that I was "different" while everyone else was "safe" and "secure" with a mate. Rubbish. Start to make your home and your bed a sacred place. Do something you love in your bed (read your fav book, work on your recovery, meditate, listen to your fav music). This is your alone time and you may never get it again. This may be the only time in your life to do whatever you want!
I felt somewhat like this when I moved out on my own away from my ex-bf/POA back in February. I wasn't scared of sleeping alone, I just didn't like it. To overcome that feeling I put a big body pillow in the bed next to me. It was a source of comfort and made the bed feel less empty. I don't use it anymore but it was helpful those first couple of weeks in adjusting to being on my own again. I was tempted many many many times to call a guy up, anyone, just to be there for comfort but thankfully I never gave in to the urge. Eventually I got used to being on my own again and the urges have completely left. My bedroom and my bed is my sanctuary and I treat it as such. I make it smell good and look nice. It is my place of peace and acceptance. All of this has helped me come to a place emotionally where I feel content being alone.
Maybe you can make your bedroom a place you enjoy going. Buy some sheets you like, that feel good and look good, and furnish your room in a way that is pleasing to you. Maybe buy some new curtains, or a comforter set you've been wanting. Fill it with your favorite scents and things that inspire you. I keep my vision board against the wall at the foot of my bed. I also do my journaling and reading in my bed, next to my soft-light lamp. It is very peaceful and a place I look forward to going to every nite.
Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 23, 2011 13:45:19 GMT -8
Yeah. Maybe redecorating would also be therapeutic because you would be changing an environment in which you are accustomed to seeing the PoA. And a project like that will help you stay busy and give you some self esteem points when you finish!
I hated being alone in bed too for a while. Now I love it. Two things I used to help sleep. One was a big corgi dog. He is a cuddler and sleeps like a rock. The other is I used to visualize God's arms holding me while I slept. This helped a lot when I hit rock bottom. I slept fine when I did this.
"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso
Thanks for all the advice, guys! I'm going to try redecorating and playing light background noise to see if it helps.
I'm interested in how one finds a higher power when one is an Athiest. Are there any other "higher powers" I could find that can keep me company? I'm quite comfortable in my spirituality, but there must be something else that I could consider a higher power.
Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 23, 2011 19:16:06 GMT -8
Ewe, RRR dogs are stinky! Get a cat!
Meg, I am in the same boat. There are a whole lot of atheists who have a lot of recovery/sobriety and I will be talking with them about it.
For now, though, it's all about learning, reading, listening at meetings. I am trusting that I can figure out what I would consider to be a HP, even if I have to go with straight up "cause and effect."
I am not religious, but I lean towards Buddhism. My HP is the collective power of all humanity. I believe that everything I do effects others. ANd that is a pretty MASSIVE notion. It's definitely something bigger than just me. ANd so when I need help, or someone or something to carry the load for me. I think of all of humanity carrying that weight for me. Someone out there is carrying a heavier load than you because of their strength. And someday, maybe you'll be able to help them out.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 26, 2011 4:51:27 GMT -8
I had a tough few days this week. I Got super high from a performance I did and then crashed. It was just like Love Addiction. I am still out of balance and I need help when I crash, or so that I don't crash so low..Anyways, One of those nights I couldn't get control of my mind... I kept going over and over this thing that happened. Then I was like " HK! Use your tools!!" So I said the serenity prayer. And then I admitted I was Powerless to God/My Higher power. And asked for help. ( this is new for me, I isolate from people and my higher power when I am suffering) I felt Relief. Just the act of it asking for help, reaching out, and maybe receiving help, helped me. I know because I felt the obsessing lift off and I feel asleep.
Post by loveaddict12345 on Feb 8, 2012 20:37:20 GMT -8
I know this is an old thread but its the first one I really wanted to comment on. I too have had the same problem falling asleep alone in bed. I am just starting my journey of freeing myself from this addiction. I think it helps to do something you like in bed. I think its because we come to associate that place where we had a lot of good memories with our POA (am I using this correctly?) So, its my hope that if we can replace them with other things that are healthy and accessible then it may lessen the hurt.
Interestingly I read how one of the above posters liked to sleep with a body pillow to give them comfort, I used to do that when I was away from my POA and fantasize that it was her. I doubt it would give me much comfort now. I think its all about breaking the connections that you have with that person regarding various things. Its just that, there are so many of those things, and some of them have had so much time to develop.
yes loveaddict, that is very true. When I found out my ex was engaged and had a live-in girlfriend a few weeks ago, one of the first things I did was go out and buy myself a brand new set of bedding linens, and I put away the old ones that I had shared with him in plastic bags that I threw in my closet. The next step will be to either put them in storage or donate them. I will probably want to donate them so I never have to be reminded of being in bed with him again. Having this new comfy set has been a great comfort to me while I go through this. I also put away all the stuffed animals associated with him. Changing the bed is very important to letting go.
I love the idea of making our rooms and beds peaceful, safe places that are not associated with our PoA's. I will keep that in mind, too.
I am a chronic insomniac and i know this is related to my love addiction. I hate sleeping alone and sleeping without a fantasy. I am attempting to stop fantasizing now. (I don't have a partner, but I am addicted to fantasy at night) I have been working very closely with my "trusted talking friend" (no therapist, but this friend is someone I trust and also had issues that he is recovered from). I call him when it gets really bad and he is there. We have a platonic relationship and good boundaries. we have a rule that he does not come over; we just talk on the phone. That is very good for me.
I had a history where I had very unhealthy attachment to my parental figure. this is where my own sleeping issues come from and I am working them out now.
i am really afraid to sleep because I have bad nightmares from my childhood and they are recurrent.
I am learning to not be afraid of my nightmares. They are just processes of dealing with what happened to me.
I have a deep faith that I will heal.
From Susan . . . please bury me in my bed. It is, and always has been, my comfort zone. But . . . I am in danger of becoming addicted. I am working on this. There are times I need to get outside my comfort zone. I sleep with my inner child.