I am struggling today. I feel completely alone. I've already spent Thanksgiving alone, now Im looking at spending Christmas and possibly New Years alone as well. My boyfriend and I had a fight the other day and things havent been the same since. I feel him slipping away and I think its my fault.
He accused me of being selfish and clingy. I havent heard those terms describing my behavior in quite some time. We have been together for 5 months now and he said he thought I was different. My old habits are threatening this relationship and I dont know how to make it right again. I did not want this to happen and I feel myself losing control again.
From Susan . . . you are not alone as long as you have a loving relationship with yourself and God. As for other people in the room. There are charities all over the world that need help. Good luck. This board will be open on the holidays if you get sad. Your mind believes what you tell it, so please do not say out loud that you are alone. Don't forget to take your inner child out to see the lights. I bought Susie something out of a catalog and she can't wait for Christmas. Finally, I am sorry your relationship problems are making you sad. Hang in there..
Last Edit: Dec 18, 2012 15:17:23 GMT -8 by Susannah
Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 19, 2012 6:14:24 GMT -8
No, you're not alone. You have this board, and if you look outside I am guessing you will see other people, and lots of them are not in relationships at all, and some of them do not have parents or siblings they can talk to and some of them do not have homes.
Some of them are hopeless addicts, some of them are depressed, some of them cannot risk reaching out. Some of them are severely disabled and can only dream of living a normal life like you and I.
If you want company, do all you can to move yourself out into the world towards some of those people and be with them as best you can. Because we (our thinking) are the only thing that stands between us and happiness. You deserve to have some happiness in your life that just comes from inside, that is just yours alone. We all have that. It's just that no-one else can feel it for you. You have to find it yourself.
Good luck and Merry Christmas!
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 19, 2012 7:03:07 GMT -8
Can I ask something? What kind of recovery did you do, and what work did you do on yourself before you got into a new relationship?
If you are being to clingy and needy, and if we are being codependent, we smother people, and we end up running people off, and this is exactly what we dont want to happen.
We have too learn too love ourselves first and foremost, and work on our codependency and be able to be ok with or without a relationship.
Have you read any of Melody Beatties books? Codependent No More? Her books are wonderful, and it will help you to become aware if we are codependent, I know I am/was, and I have to work on this daily....because I have fears of abandonment, and when people show us any kind of attention, we want to take them as hostages, and it will always backfire on us, people do not want to be smothered.
But your are not alone, we are here for you....and we just have to make a life for ourselves, do things you like to do. Go to a meeting, do some volunteer work during this time of year, get a good book to read, or call some old healthy friends and go to a movies, or have a movie night at home. Get too know who you are, your likes and dislikes.
Being alone is only a feeling, we have choices, we can isolate ourselves from other people, this is not healthy, you can always find a meeting, and people to be around.
And when we get healthy and we want solitude, that is our choice, and solitude is healthy...
I read the books and went through the 12 steps, I learned alot about myself. I thought I was ready for a relationship. This one was different. He treated me differently than the others, and I fell into it probably too quickly. I started to become consumed by the attention and affection and quickly lost sight of everything I had worked so hard on. It hit me without me even knowing it, before I even realized what I was doing.
It isnt over yet. We are still together but his comments opened up my eyes and made me realize I am still vulnerable to this. I am not fully recovered yet. I have backed off and given him his space the past few days, but Im not really sure where to go from here. I feel like I need to get back in touch with myself and focus on myself more instead of focusing on the relationship so much. I feel like I need to put the ball back in his court and let things start happening on their own again, just like they did at the beginning of the relationship. I feel like I fell off the wagon.
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 19, 2012 8:50:35 GMT -8
Yes get back on the wagon, and write out your dating plan, what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. Know what you want and expect in a relationship, dont just go with the flow. If your poa has done or said things that you dont agree with, let him know this, we have to learn how to say exactly how we feel, this helps to rebuild our self esteem as well.
Just get back on the horse, and take care of your needs know. Dont settle for less, just to have someone in your life. Expect the best.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)