Post by magickwomun on Dec 29, 2012 2:44:17 GMT -8
It's been 3 months since I've made direct contact with my latest poa. It's been 2 months since he made direct contact with me, until Wednesday. I received 3 calls, through out the day from a "restricted" number. I NEVER get calls from restricted numbers. The last time I did, it was 3 days after our last court date in October, after he was legally forbidden to contact me, hence he hides the number so i have no proof he contacted me. It was him then and it is him this time too.
I know it's him. I muted my phone so I couldn't be heard and answered the second call and just listened. No one said anything but I could hear a TV playing. After about 20 seconds he hung up. He was told a couple of weeks ago by a co-worker that i now have a 5 year restraining order in addition to the 2 year no contact and no trespass already given to him.
I know it's difficult for him to leave me alone. It's difficult for me too. I'm in recovery but I doubt he is. I don't need these temptations. I still obsess and wonder when, or if, I'm going to stop. When is he going to stop? Will we ever get over our obsession? Neither of us were happy together, there's no point in continuing to drag things out. I'm done. I want to look at his profile so bad, but I know better. I know there's a bunch of things there that will hurt me and make me mad, a bunch of things that don't matter now.
I just wish the obsession would stop already, for both of us, but, WHEN?
"Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground".
Post by Loving My Life on Dec 29, 2012 8:22:12 GMT -8
Just dont fall for any of your poa tactics, if he calls dont answer, yes it is hard, but we have to do this. Dont take the bait....play the whole tape out...just remember how you will feel after the fact.
And as far as them going away, I am not sure when and how it will happen, but you as well as for myself, we can always change our phone number, and that will stop the phone calls.
I know for me if I just sit with the urge to answer the phone, or make contact with my poa, if I will just sit with my feelings, and work all of this out in my head for 5 mins, I do not make contact, and as the day goes on, I relieved that I did not take the bait.
Hang in there....
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Dec 29, 2012 11:15:55 GMT -8
unfortunately it stops when it stops we dont know when. It's been since May that I stopped feeding into his calls and emails. I guess he feels in control by still contacting me and it boosts up his ego. He feels the need to wish me happy holidays and a happy birthday. I on the other hand feel that no communication is also communication and that in itself says alot for me. I have to just let it go and let God do the rest. This is a One day at a time program, do something good for yourself. Sun
Post by Jacarandagirl on Dec 29, 2012 19:23:05 GMT -8
That's simPle- it stops when you say it does. By answering his calls, even if u don't speak, and thinking about checking out his profile, you keep it going. I know how hard it is too, but the sooner u get on with the actual no contact, the closer u get to your self. The disowned and abandoned self is there too, as well as the happy one, so be ready for her!
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
It will stop when you are ready to face your life without avoiding it. Your obsession with him has little to nothing to do with him, but rather, with your own fear of what your life will be without all the drama and excitement he brings.
Love addiction and obsession has virtually nothing to do with love. It has to do with our need to avoid ourselves because we are so afraid of who we are. We hide behind our obsessions.
You laid the ground work by putting a restraining order in place. Now, you need to REMEMBER why you did that and you need to stick to your promise to keep it in place. Switch from "emotional" thinking to "logical" thinking and it may be easier.
And by all means, get busy replacing your old obsession with a new HEALTHY one. Exercise, eating well, creating music, painting, drawing, reading, writing, working on a project. At least for now, you need to replace your obsession with something else, until you're able to remove it.
Post by brainhealth on Dec 30, 2012 9:15:22 GMT -8
........like starting to learn the piano again as I have done! Wonderful, just wonderful! I have managed to crowd out my POA from my brain chemistry by learning to play the piano again. I am 54 and my intention is to get work in my mid 60's in the Canaries where my wife and I have an apartment, playing the piano (easy listening music) in the hotels in the evenings. My overall plan encompasses completing the academic grades 1-12 and doing the degree in music. Ambitious , yes, but 12 years of POA avoidance by crowding out my brain. The deeper I get into the music program, the greater the number of new brain neurons I create in my brain chemistry. Learning the piano is in itself "AN ADDICTION"!!!. But, it is a much more healthier addiction. Using another (albeit a healthier) addiction to crowd out another addiction is for me, the nuclear option, because it requires investment and planning for the future. It means attacking the enemy from the flank. It means literally, "tricking" the brain and using the brain's own system against it for the betterment of the self. All efforts of the 12 steps, while it may well work for others, does not work for me. The 12 steps also embodies attacking from the front as in World War 1 trench warfare. In my view, we must all become terrorists against ourselves, that is, against our own brains. Therefore tactics which incorporate healthy addictions facilitate our healthy terrorism. If I am correct, because of the brain's plasticity (covered in extensive detail by previous posts by Susan), a new generation of healthy neurons will eventually crowd out the unhealthy ones.
Magicwoman, your healthy obsession may not be playing the piano. Search your soul, and you will come up with your healthy addiction . When you do, be prepared to invest considerable time in it. Find it and then crowd out those unhealthy neurons. Don't forget, we become addicted to the pain of loss as well as out POA's. A healthy addiction will facilitate the breaking of a cycle.
It stops when you make a conscious, determined decision to recover. One Day At a Time. Check out Susan Forward's book, "Obsessive Love" -- love has nothing to do with it, but I think we all know that. It has everything to do with obsession and that which we cannot have. The 'forbidden fruit' is always the one we want. Human nature? Perhaps. But love addicts take it to a whole new level. And it only stops when we choose recovery (and the work it entails) over obsession.
Through this site I realize that even "checking" my cell or email to see if my poa has messaged me is giving it energy.
NC has to include not giving thought to your poa. When I find myself fantasizing how it was, etc, I quickly switch it off by repeating Steps 1 and 2 in my mind and turn to one of my old healthy obsessions instead.
I realized I had completely let my healthy obsession die. Last week I made a conscious decision to bring it back to life, and at this current moment I am once again surrounded by my video equipment and ready to shoot any and everything to help me with me.