Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 24, 2009 19:02:00 GMT -8
Recovery is a state in which you are able to love yourself as much as you love others. You are guided by a power greater than yourself who knows what is best for you. You are growing and changing. Love is a want not a need. Romantic love enhances your life but does not determine your self-worth. Most of the time you are serene and think clearly when it comes to relationships. Your behavior is sane and marked by emotional sobriety. You do not "love" too much. You do not "do" too much for others You do not chase after unavailable people. You do not put up with ambivalent people like narcissists or seductive withholders. You have researched healthy relationships so you know what your goals are. You stay close to people who are also in recovery in order to avoid relapse. You never take recovery for granted or become complacent. Love addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." It lies in wait for us when we let our guard down. Above all else, you put your well being ahead of your romantic attachments. You understand that romantic love is not enough to sustain you. It is like a flower without roots. You need love and compatibility with someone who can reciprocate. Finally, you put an end to all triangles. Monogamy and recovery are synonymous.
I thought I was slipping.But reading this makes me realise that I have ticked most of these traits.Im not doing so bad. I have however become a bored with recovery and stopped working so hard on myself and that is when I became depressed.
AT the moment I am living with my mother ( for 2 months ) and I havent been this down since I left my last POA. Ive learnt that you can not think that the relationship will be "OK" just because you have recovered a bit. I want to share what I have learnt from my experience guys.
I wanted to have the fantasy relationship with my mother.I thought that I could have it oneday. "It can not happen" until both people are in recovery. I say dont even take the chance.
I should not have moved back home.I should not have expected it to be safe.
My mom has not changed one bit,she has actually gotten worse in her addictions and abuse of self and myself.
I almost lost my sanity.I thought I had lost recovery.Living with her makes me feel completely insane.I had forgotten how far Id come before reading this post.I felt disoriantated and had the biggest blow to my self esteem.
I have learnt a valuable lesson and I think it can be applied to any of our POA's.SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST NOT SAFE FOR US TO RISK THE CHANCE OF BEING AROUND.Even if we are recovering.
On the relationship side I have really been holding people accountable for themselves,choosing better friends and cutting off family who are not good for me.
On the LOVE front...Well...I like a boy,but Telmitas words always sneak into my head " Dont fantasise about what could be,watch him and accept him for who he is and if he is not good for you,DONT" Or something like that ( sorry if I have miss quoted ). I like him and he seems to like me as well.But Im very very cautious.I know I have to keep my heart focused on the reality and not the fantasy of all that could ( and proberbly ) wont be.
I REALLY HOPE I CAN HELP SOMEONE,NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I HAVE.I dont believe that you have to learn every single this the hard way.What would be the point of mentors then.Anyway...Wish me luck with the relationship side...May God lead me to where I need to be next.
The only other thing I would add is: my recovery continues to deepen to the same degree as does my connection to my Higher Power. The void can only be filled by a sense of the sacred -- Higher Power. My most serene and peaceful times have been when I was in the present moment, filled with gratitude and love -- which connected me to my Higher Power.
The pain of any loss was gone. Judgement of self and others was gone. Just as a quick example -- I was driving through the mountains in TN on vacation a week ago, it was early morning and I saw the mist rising from the valley like translucent ribbons reaching toward the sky.
Years ago I would have lamented being alone and not with the person I was addicted to. But instead I felt awe struck at the beauty I had the privilge to witness. I was grateful for the moment. A sense of peace and love enveloped me. It was like being hugged by Higher Power. It was a great morning. I felt all-encompassing love. I try to remember those kinds of moments when the challenges of my addiction kick in -- those moments are my touchstones reminding me recovery is within my grasp in every sacred moment of my life.
Thanks so much for the topic!...and the chance to reflect on it today!
Recovery is a state in which you are able to love yourself as much as you love others. - I want to hold myself as accountable as possible and take my own inventory so I want to look at my recovery very closely. I am working hard to be fit, eat healthy and look after what matters to me, to love myself, be proud of myself and respect myself. No matter what any other person wants or demands of me or my life energy I need to keep this balance and love myself faithfully.
-You are guided by a power greater than yourself who knows what is best for you. You are growing and changing. Love is a want not a need.- Higher power piece I may always struggle with but looking to others for reality checks as my higher power, knowing I get lost in my addiction and blinded by the fog of neediness and childhood pain when I am triggered. I wonder about coming to a place where love is not a need. I feel like we all need to belong, be loved. Not necessarily romantic love though, but by family, friends, but I want to be loved in a way that is real, the real me, not the people pleaser me or giving up my soul for love. Being healthy, boundaries and true to myself and still be loved.
-Romantic love enhances your life but does not determine your self-worth.- This is a biggy for me. My life being in limbo not sure if I will be romantically loved for life or if that is in the cards or just end up an old grandma to my lil girls kids. It scares me some times but every day I have to tell myself my life is still relevant without a lover telling me it is relevant.
-Most of the time you are serene and think clearly when it comes to relationships. Your behavior is sane and marked by emotional sobriety. You do not "love" too much. You do not "do" too much for others- I have trouble with giving more then I get and so I am working on this. I am scared if I stop being the one who calls or does nice things some relationships will end and I am now going through that, and it is hitting me that some of my relationships I was the one who kept it going. I was alone in that. It hurts and I am trying not to base my value on this but it does make me wonder if I am not loveable. I know really, I have chosen the wrong people for my life, takers, mostly and that yes, I am a pretty serious, intense person, my life of survival growing up didn't leave me with much sense of humour, and maybe for some people I am not entertaining or the good times they are looking for but those who really value, my morals, my mind, my heart will stay in touch and have stayed in touch over the years.
-You do not chase after unavailable people.- Ive never chased someone in a relationship so this part doesn't mean that to me. But, I have chased after friends who kept being busy, unavailable, except the odd time and never reached out to plan with me. I was always the one asking for plans and trying to connect. I am done with that. I feel more alone and lonely stopping doing this but I felt my efforts came from a place of low self worth to begin with so I needed to stop doing that.
-You do not put up with ambivalent people like narcissists or seductive withholders.- My parents fit under this category so this is tough for me. I am sad to say that I have often done this. I struggle here, big time.
The awareness of what healthy relationships are. I know this part. I am a therapist. I teach this part and day in, day out look at myself in the mirror. I have great compassion from my own struggles with neediness and low self esteem. I can feel hopeless at times that as hard as I try I will never move past my painful patterns and be healthy but I do work hard at it and have forced myself, in great pain, to make the healthy choices.