My name is elke, I am listed here as Geisi, my precious inner child's name. She tasted healthy family love and her core personality of being an enthusiastically enterprising, outgoing, creative, bright and natural love sharing young one. Life happended, the traumas, dysfunctions, addictions and also many joys.
I call the core of my addiction 'love / relationship addiction' . I have spent over 70 years longing for other-love as validation, excitement and completion. For the past 18 months I have worked a substance abuse fellowship 'seeing'' - finally - that co-dependency and love addicition are deeply intertwined and my core dysfunction. They have shaped my identity and an epic journey of rescuing, fixing, controlling, pleasing, moving countires and jobs - in the name of desperate longing for other-love. Sorting out where I start and end (including assets and shortcomings) without external validation will remain the key focus on my journey to the light - my Higher Power = Love of a higher order.
I start and end my day with prayer, working the spiritual principles, and saying aloud: "I love you Geisi"- God loves you, so for sure you can love yourself"; I work the steps, read, attend meetings, soon will sponsor and am a grateful member of this Forum -
Last Edit: Feb 25, 2019 10:58:34 GMT -8 by Susannah
beautiful and moving; I had a Higher Power - God moment too, before coming - being led to recovery - never has love felt more beautiful and pure; 'my way' the message was - 'not that way' (the wall); 'live in my image - what you see is who you are - that is why I am showing myself to you' (this way = beautiful energy, trust, surrender, humility and faith); I trust God's plan for me (as best as I can) and do pray for the wisdom and strength to carry it out - I would have been gone down as a shipwreck otherwise
thank you I love the poem, 'The Awaited Suitor', since my 'Higher Power Moment' 18 months ago, which brought me to recovery, I relate to HP as 'Love', and, as per Jalaluddin Rumi, 'The Beloved'; Rumi's poetry, while seemingly so longing for the human connection, is all about 'The Awaited Suitor'; in my prayers to The Beloved, God, I feel the energy that links us as the most precious and beautiful love I ever felt; that, after a myriad of love obsession ventures all my life. Just this weekend, i completed withdrawl from the last person of love obsession (POA) by facing my patterns, illusions, and especially the enormous efforts I make to be worthy (people please), fix, enteretain, and stress if I / all is good enough. I made it, thanks to working recovery, with hightened awareness, 'seeing' for the first time just how unavailable my POA has been (all of them), how controlling, yes, fascinating too - a hero person in her life's work - but completely self- and 'worthy cause' absorbed that there is no room for love relationships. I 'made it' in the sense of facing my addiction, practising boundaries, staying close to the spiritual principles and through it all feeling a sense of integrity I have not touched to that degree consciously before. Now I feel bare, what's / who is left is me to love through healing action; being very close to my HP in this, I hold fairly steady, listen, trust, feel hope and shift 'stinking thinking' deliberately to focusing on the abundance of love I receive within and outside of recovery meetings, truly lots; being older, this is my final life phase (whatever it's course, long or longish), I see a path of light I am stepping onto, don't see the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel' but rather nothing but the path yet to be lit by virtue of me trusting in HP and working the spiritual principles - HP's plan for me will be revealed as i travel the path of light (=recovery healing, sharing love, creative unfolding,being of service, and so much more). thank you for receiving
Detaching with love Last week I accomplished this, I am so grateful to my Higher Power’s guidance which I trusted; step 11 is so powerful for me to practice. Four years ago, pursueing a project of linking young Afghan women to available bursaries for post-grad studies in South Africa, I ‘met’ (via Google) a woman who runs an Afghan women’s organization, and I promptly got infatuated. As so often before, I am drawn to the power of women who are fearlessly and passionately present in the world (I know I have it, had it when young and still do but am too self-absorbed – fearful - to go for it), so, this I project onto others and make them my love ‘object’. Before her annual visits to my home with her husband and brother, I have mostly twisted myself into knots about all being right and good enough; during visits to her (we live in different countries ), I obsessed similarly. A year into it, she asked me to lay back with attention and give her space to reach out on her terms, so I did; two years ago I was honest about the infatuation – she received it well and by sharing fear got diffused. I shared as well about having joined 12 step fellowships and opened up about my challenges; well received. As I work recovery, I have begun to detach, observe, see her as who she is, her life choices and ways; they do not work for me; still, we remained in caring contact. Last week I visited her for celebrating Persian New Year with a dinner party. Twelve people guzzling booze for hours talking about mundane and to me superficial stuff. I related well to two people and to her in meaningful conversation. She is generous, caring, passionately committed to the empowerment of women in Afghanistan, in that we relate well. The beauty of the evening for me was that I could be present, was not triggered by alcohol, clearly saw and decided that there are people, places and events I have nothing in common with and do not want in my life. And I was able to let go of unhealthy attachment to Hala (not her name), feel my boundaries being strong, interacting with mindfulness and feeling such peace about being able to see and accept the beauty of the other person just as is, separate from me. Friendship remains – such a gift to have sorted this out in a way that this friendship will be an inspiration and a gift, not yearning, longing or loss – I grew (dignity) from letting go with love.