It seems like everything is not good to me. All of my life seems full of regrets. I have seen a councellor since I was 20. That time, counselling seemed to be a savior for me. I was able to confess there. My shameful experience and my brother’s mental illness. I didn’t have anyone else to share my problems with. Now I think I should have had more female friends because I needed women’s point of view. However. I was shy and scared of women that time. I doubted them too. Now I think I should see someone else or do something else instead of seeing a councellor. New encounter with someone would be great. However, I can’t find good chances. Everyone has family or close friends while I had been into PoAs and spent most money and time into my PoAs. I am looking for an “exit” from this tunnel but don’t know how long I have to wait until I can see the light. I still want women or sex but has to keep away from them. This makes me depressed too.
Ethics. Moral. I don’t want to face the two Everyone would accuse me of what I have done. So far, I always have expected a woman to comfort my pain. I want a woman to pamper me like a mom does to her baby. It’s pretty weird but I want to play with and suck a woman’s breast like a baby does when I feel depressed. A woman would say I’m weird or a pervert. Some people may say my mom was wrong to raise me like this. Anyway, I don’t care what others would say. This is real me. What if I am this weird adult? A doctor will cure my weird fantasy and habit? Do I have to stop having a woman until I get over this habit?