Post by victoria1008 on Jul 28, 2019 9:11:26 GMT -8
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted. I’ve been heading down a bath of relapse for a few months now but the other night I caved in and ended up getting a hotel room with my ex who I have previously spoken about. Very toxic relationship, he’s an addict who is sober now, cheated on me several times etc. he told everyone he stopped loving me a year before we broke up and when we met up he was very loving and I thought I had really done well at trying to get over him but after I left I just fell apart. He clearly doesn’t love me anymore and I’m having a hard time accepting that. I know it is probably because he is not capable of that but it’s been heartbreaking for me and I was in a very dark place last night I.e having suicidal thoughts . I am scared I am never going to get over this or him. I felt like he was the only person that would ever love me and then he stopped and I just feel pretty worthless right now. So I’m reaching out, I’m throwing myself back into recovery but I needed some strength from you all so thank you for letting me post this.
Post by victoria1008 on Jul 28, 2019 10:56:36 GMT -8
Thank you Kate for the response. Yes I’ve been reaching out to a close friend of mine in recovery and she has been talking me through it. I’ve given myself permission to just do nothing today other than grieve. Lots of feelings of rejecting and embarrassment. Which I know stem from childhood. I’ve blocked him on everything so started no contact again.
I read something someone said on another forum “the withdrawal time does not have to do with how deep our love was but how deep our addiction was/is” and that really hit home.
The relationship with my ex was 5 years but the love addiction has been present since I hit puberty.
I have a long road ahead of me but I’m so thankful there are others who I can relate to and talk to.
Don't beat yourself up. You wanted to believe that he had changed - but he hasn't. He is who he is sober and in the thralls of addiction. The lure of sex is a powerful one - and TBH, it's one that if you haven't had sex in a long time, you will jump at the chance of human contact. Especially with a damaging ex PoA.
What you read on another forum was one of Howard Halpern's aphorisms. The pain of the withdrawal isn't how much you loved him; it is how deep the addiction is (bad paraphrase).
Thankfully you were wise and knowledgeable in reaching out to somebody IRL. It's okay to sit and DO nothing and grieve. For now. But after a while (days) you have to get up and live again, and, as you know, you will feel like living in a fog. Perhaps this time you won't be under that withdrawal fog.
NC is a tool. No Contact = No New Hurts. I'll give you another one I love: NC doesn't open up the gates of heaven to let you in; it opens up the doors of hell to let you out. You're out of hell now - close those doors and keep your head up.
You are doing the right thing by blocking him. Put him where he belongs - in your inbox trash can.
Post by victoria1008 on Jul 29, 2019 11:36:40 GMT -8
Sexless, thank you so much for your response.
I struggle a lot with self confidence especially in an intimate sexual setting and my ex poa has always made me feel beautiful, I believe that played a big part in the addiction as well and lured me to wanting to re connect with him in some way.
I am not happy about having to go through the withdrawal period again but I know that it is absolutely necessary. I’m almost 48 into no contact right now and I’m feeling ok. I don’t have any desires to reach out. Just a strong desire to get well and recover.
I usually am very gung ho with recovery in the beginning and then I slowly start to fall back into my old patterns so I really need to work on setting some structure and tools into place so this does not happen again.
I know I have a long road ahead of me but I am happy to know that I am closing the doors to hell like you said!
Although the xPoA wasn't a good fit for you (obviously), that's one thing he gave you - he made you feel "beautiful". Even if it was just to lure you into a sexual relationship. He is not, or will he ever be, the ONLY person in this world who will make you feel "beautiful". You know that you CAN be "beautiful" - I'd rather call it "healthy" - that's where you want to get. BEAUTFULLY HEALTHFUL.
Nah - NOBODY is happy about going back into withdrawal. I mean we all just say, after a breakup/ending, "I am so looking forward to the withdrawal process! Such joy! I love withdrawal so much! Hurray!" (said in jest, truly).
48 hours and you're doing okay. I like it. Now, since you know where you are going to hit the bumps in your recovery (I am not sure at what point EXACTLY), what are you going to do differently THIS time? What did you do (or didn't do) last time to get you off track? Look at your past actions and change them this time around. You have the tools and you have an idea of the structure. Get constructing!
The doors of hell are closing - getting to the gates of heaven - that's a separate journey. Focus on hearing the gates of hell close shut behind you.
victoria1008 don't beat yourself. We've up slipped up and had ex sex. You are handling it great, going NC again and not letting yourself get caught up in chasing this dude. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, withdrawl feels awful, and it's natural to want to relieve the pain. And just because this guy is a loser doesn't mean you aren't all the things he makes you feel (beautiful, desirable.) Highly unlikely he'll be the only man to ever be attracted to you again.