Orgasm gives me relief from anxiety. Everytime I needed the relief, I masturbated early in the morning while my family was asleep. Or, daytime of weekends, I had to go out to walk to masturbate in a restroom of the park. I couldn’t get sex in my house, with my wife. She refused long time ago and I have never asked since then. Other than “relief while walking,” I communicated with other girls. They were PoAs in the end. I got sexy photos from them. I traveled with them too. That time, I justified like this. When I was in strong pain, my wife never cared at all. I hated the she was. I needed relief from others. They were serious to care for me. Now, I realise, through mental care by a doctor and a councelor at a clinic, I should care for myself first by myself. Masturbation is okay. Besides, I can find more fun things to do that can make me relax. Lately, another anxieties came to me. I live alone now but I have to face the problem against my wife. I have to face my girlfriend, who might be PoA, to clear things. I can’t sleep well because of these ideas.
It may sound strange but I think I don’t know what I want yet. I think I’ve tried to find something that makes others, such as PoAs, my family, happy, not me. Since I don’t know what I want, I think I can’t decide anything. I am always lost. I am always anxious. This is my analysis.
There is a meditation center in Kyoto that gives meditation training. You will need to take 10 day holiday to participate in it. It is residential. It is free of charge. I strongly recommend you to attend it to calm your mind.