This is from a former post of mine, and I think it may help --
"Having an affair is a lot different than being married. It’s a distinction too few cheaters recognize so long as the “anesthesia” of infatuation, novelty, and illicitness is still numbing the partners to the realities of committed couples. When the anesthesia wears off – and it always does – the realities of setting up a household together; balancing career, finances, and romance; seeing one another unkempt; and watching each other with runny noses, rashes, or an upset stomach, often yield to the searing pain of regret.Too many men and women who cheat on their partners mistake hormonal honeymoons for relationship reality. The even bigger mistake is that many cheaters leave their spouses and partner ... chasing an illusion that very few will ever catch.
This is something I posted awhile ago, from an article I read, when I was considering leaving my spouse for my PoA with whom I was obsessed. It hit me square between the eyes. PoA (I can happily say ex-PoA!) was (and probably still is) a sex/porn addict, in $60,000 gambling debt, recovering alcoholic who finds his partners in AA or SLAA meetings (which is where we met). He was a charming narcissist who knew how to attract women. And I fell right into his trap, because I was a hardcore Love Addict, obsessively seeking romance, fantasy and some happily ever fairy tale life that DOES NOT EXIST.
I have been in intense therapy to work through my severe case of arrested development, and I thank my therapist (and HP) every day that I came off that self-destructive path of addiction.
Yes - HaveFaith speaks from experience. Her xPoA was truly a piece of work and she got past it to come and share her experience.
EMAs are the lowest of the low. Ending one will take you, IMO, to the Pacific Trenches of grief.
Your brain is in chemical withdrawal from the NC. But this pain will have a termination. It may linger for a while.
Hardcore No Contact is the way to go. No Contact = No New Hurts. That was the mantra that got me through some tough times.
There are several of us who have gone through what you are. The first few weeks are grim. But soon, after you begin to change yourself by doing hard work, it WILL get better. That's a promise I can make.
Thank you all for these encouraging words. I know you are all right. No Contact = No New Hurts! I’m definitely worth that! I deserve better and will continue to love myself by continuing therapy and working with a sponsor. Thank you!
Yes - keep it real. Walking away from fantasy is key. Even if this married man left his wife (and family) for you, know that 'real life' will eventually kick in -- juggling careers, finances, washing dirty laundry, dealing with car repairs, calling the plumber for the toilet that clogs continuously, etc., etc. You will not endlessly gaze into each other's eyes over a candlelit dinner. You will both eventually gaze at the pile of bills that needs to be paid, or the kitchen floor that needs to be mopped.
The reality for me, in this relationship, is that he’s very emotionally unavailable and quite abusive. He’s in his own addiction - which is sex addiction. So, for my own future and well-being - I MUST walk away and never look back.
My mind keeps trying to trick me, but I remember all of the psychological, emotional and even physical pain. The “good times” were becoming further and further apart. It just isn’t worth it anymore.
I would wager the bad times have now far out distanced the "good times" (and not in the Chic sense).
Write out a list of the times he pulled his stunts on you. It may be a very extensive list. Every time you feel the pull of contact, pull out the list and read it. Once you read all that he put you through, your lying, junkie mind will say, "Nah, NO COTNACT today."
An EUM (emotionally unavailable man) is not one you want to deal with, especially NOT one who is a sex addict.
What IS worth it to you is to delve into your own "Why". Now that's something you can work on. Not his B.S.