I need help. I have an obsession with this person but I have to have contact due to having a child together. It’s a very long and complicated store. All I know is I don’t like myself right now and know I need help.
Can the child be left at another person's house to be picked up?
My xOM had a son with his xW. The xW had moved to another state, which was right across the boarder from our own. On his weekends, they would meet at a McDonald's near the interstate and hand the son over between them. It worked for them for many years, until the son was an adult.
Thank you for replying. I wish that was the case that I could have someone go to take him to his dad. But that won’t work. Our child is the result of an affair. I was and still am married to my husband. My husband knows about it all and treats my son like his own. I confessed to everyone about the affair, I told family, friends, and even told my oldest son (father is my husband). Telling resulted in loss of friends and family. I only have one sibling I talk to but wants to kill the guy I had the affair with. So I have no one to help.
My husband is a great man. He is understanding of visitation and of phone calls/ text and face time with the father. My son’s father and I keep a friendly relationship for our son, we talk once a week so my son can visit and tell about his week, our son is four.
My son’s father is over me completely. But I guess I sometimes wavier on my feelings for him. I know that is wrong because I am married. But things are complicated in my marriage and I would not have had the affair if it was just a fling it was much more to me. I get that I need to get over it and I am a horrible person. But I also feel like I want more because of our son we have together. And ugh I just don’t know... I’m a bad person and I should just kill myself or harm myself for what I am doing to the people who love me.
Last Edit: Sept 23, 2019 11:58:22 GMT -8 by Susannah
Post by RoseNadler on Sept 23, 2019 9:02:53 GMT -8
You are not a horrible or bad person. Yes, you’ve done some things that you now believe were wrong. But you never have to do that again, if you don’t want to.
Something inside you - some feelings or stuff from your past - made you more vulnerable in this area. Nobody would consciously choose to have an addiction. Most people want to be healthy and do good things. You can be healthy and do good things. Keep coming back and reading posts on this board. Recovery really does work.
Post by in33dh3lp on Sept 23, 2019 10:30:31 GMT -8
My problem today is that our sons’s grandfather is days away from dying. His grandmother keeps me updated constantly because she treats me like family no matter if her grandchild was a result of an affair. Our son is 4 and talks about his grandfather a lot. I hate that he can not see him often because of living states away and because of all the complications I put us through. And what do I do when he does pass I can’t obviously let my four year old fly down for a funeral and me taking him is not an option nor can a family member.
Also, my affair hurt my son’s fathers relationship with his parents. So now that his dad is dying they are still upset with him for having an affair with me the married woman. They are fine with me for some reason I guess the fact that I have their grandchild but they were disappointed in their son for pursing me. Although, it was not just his fault it was mine mainly I wanted the affair. So yes, I am a horrible person. And on top of it all. I have these feelings I can’t let go, I try but I can’t.
I mean I told my husband my child was not his and told my oldest son what I did. And the affair guy before I got pregnant he said he would do anything for me especially if I got pregnant. So when it happen I expected for him to be here in my state when I told my husband and here in my state where I live while I was pregnant and of course now. He never did any of that. I told my husband finally without him and my oldest son. I went through the whole pregnancy alone but married because my great husband said to stay with him because he loved me and he would help me until I decided when I was ready to move out.
Finally I got tired of waiting for the guy to move to my state and told him I could not leave my husband and my first child for someone who was not going to even move here to be with me. He was taking too long and that was not what he promised me. I could not break my first child’s heart with a divorce for someone who could not even make the move for me. “I’m sorry son I divorced your father for this guy who stood me up”. So I stayed married. The guy said he understood that he was taking too long and that he needed to commit. I had the baby and nothing happen after. He came down for the birth stayed a few weeks in a hotel to see his son when I had time then left. Now I do the whole drop off thing when he does come, which is the start of my post. So I have unresolved feelings. Should I have given him more time, should I have just left my husband... why am I such a disgusting person to think this stuff when I have a great husband and life is pretty good. Why can’t I let it go? It would be easy if I did not have to see him or FaceTime him once a week for our son to visit. It’s not like we talk or anything. So why can’t I let it go?
Last Edit: Sept 23, 2019 11:57:25 GMT -8 by Susannah
You are not a bad person. You did what you had to do for your child. So is the boy's biological father.
Take a look at the LC link that Susan P has provided. I know that I have no experience in having a child with a PoA or with custody arrangements with another parent.
No, you did the right thing by staying with you husband, especially as he has been forgiving and understanding - and WELCOMING the child. The child is well loved by those important to him. That's a blessing.
You still love him is why you can't let him go. However, he has moved on. You can get through this, and it will take work to do it. Tell yourself as a first step, that the PoA has moved on and the relationship is OVER. Keep a boundary of POLITENESS when you need to speak with him.
The rest, well, that's a separate essay and dissertation. Take ONE thing at a time.
You WILL get through this once the "magical" and "hurtful" thinking ceases.