Post by loveanimals on Jan 14, 2020 8:11:34 GMT -8
Susannah touched on this in one of my threads.
Because I also suffer from anxiety, depression and an eating disorder, I find that others who are working the steps are more understanding of what I'm going through. Yet this also brings up childhood wounds and pain for people in dating. I know AA says to wait a year, but for those who are over a year in AA, is it safe to date them?
If not, where do you find people who are understanding and not judgmental of what I'm going through? I certainly haven't met such a person.
loveanimals, be very careful before dating anyone in AA or any other anonymous meetings. There are predators who look for vulnerable folks and their motivations are not always honorable (i.e., having your best interests at heart is not always what they have in mind). A man admitted to me (when I attended SLAA) that he looks for women at his SLAA and AA meetings - he considers it a 'dating pool' and he turned out to be a predator. He lured women into his lair by some dark means. I know. I was one of them.
Please, anyone considering dating a fellow recovering addict -- tread slowly. Question their motivations at every step. Maintain healthy boundaries. Talk to your therapist/counselor (if you have one). Pray to HP for guidance.
Last Edit: Jan 16, 2020 11:40:25 GMT -8 by havefaith
I wish I could help you out here, but I haven't any words of advice for I have not traveled the road you traveled. I know of one couple IRL who "found" each other at AA - Roger Ebert and his wife. But I don't think either one of them were looking for a relationship when it happened.
I was single for 16 years. I had stopped looking and was enjoying my life. Then I met Frank in an elevator. He flirted with me and asked me out. I accepted and the rest is history. He is nothing like someone I would have picked online. I got to know him slowly and he grew on me. Then I fell in love. God works in mysterious ways.
Post by loveanimals on Jan 22, 2020 5:16:19 GMT -8
Susannah: That is a good person to meet, as you met him in real life and go to know him slowly. The problem with online dating and in my case, reuniting with a old high school flame on social media, is it's so easy to text 24/7 that the relationship goes from 0 to 100 right away, and then many times crashes and burns. Especially with someone in a 12 step program.
The codependent person in me wants to attend meetings with them and do the steps with them, but saying that has scared off a man in the past.
I'm just still hurting over losing 2 men in 12 step programs in the past year. The most recent one still really hurts and I pray and cuddle my cat a lot, plus read about relationships with people in recovery for substances.
"The codependent person in me wants to attend meetings with them and do the steps with them, but saying that has scared off a man in the past."
loveanimals, I SO understand wanting to do this. And I did. A fellow addict approached me in an SLAA meeting, and offered to work the Steps with him. He offered to be my sponsor, saying I had to work the Steps in order to heal and recover.
I was duped. He was charming, seemed SO very sincere. Then he slowly seduced me with his charm and sincerity - I fell for him and his smooth ways. He KNEW I was vulnerable and he took complete advantage of me. I could write a book about it, how he fed my addiction (and his, as well) -- but I won't. Suffice to say, I am in my tenth year of therapy...
Post by loveanimals on Jan 22, 2020 7:55:06 GMT -8
Thank you, HaveFaith.
The last guy said that he only sponsored men, because of this problem. I said that makes sense due to the vulnerability factor. Of course that doesn't take into account same sex relationships.
You have done such a great job in your tenth year of recovery! I have read your posts on here and they are inspiring.
Now it's just finding a healthy way of dating, to find someone understanding but not in active recovery themselves. For me I feel like I'm already broken due to a severe anxiety disorder where I take a large amount of medication, so that only a recovering addict/alcoholic or someone with an anxiety disorder/depression would understand me and not reject me. I've been working on this in therapy.
Post by loveanimals on Feb 8, 2020 21:33:12 GMT -8
I went to an NA meeting tonight and I could feel the attraction with one man there, and another seemed interested in me. It's crazy how that works. I just told myself I'm there for healing and recovery, and not to meet a partner. The meeting went well.
I have met a few long-term friends from recovery groups. Men and women. No one romantically though...although I've had some men in recovery make an attempt. I agree with being very vigilant for predators. I say some form of sex or love addiction is rampant in AA, as some of us see this as the core issue...alcohol is more of a symptom...at least it was for me. So unless someone was far enough in recovery to know what their baggage is, and has a good plan for when the going gets tough, I'd steer clear.
There are folks in all levels of recovery so I don't think there is a set answer for how long you should wait, etc. There are a lot of resources, books, etc that can help you determine if you're in a good state for pursuing a relationship.
I also don't think there's a set point in your life or in your recovery journey when you're not deserving of affection, should you find someone ready willing and able to offer it and the feelings are mutual. Some people's "crazy" just lines up well and two "beginners" in the program could fare just fine together. On the other hand...there are folks who have been going to meetings for years or even decades who haven't even scratched the surface on addressing their issues and would likely be nightmares to date or get involved with. Ya never know...but you can certainly brush up on what a healthy relationship looks like and vow not to ignore any red flags.
"If not, where do you find people who are understanding and not judgmental of what I'm going through? I certainly haven't met such a person."
Does this person have to be a "date"? Think about what you're seeking and think about whether you can get that from a non-romantic friend. I met a couple of my best girlfriends indirectly through AA, and a couple more with crazy upbringings who recovered by other means (therapy, whatever). They have an intimate understanding of my checkered past and my wounds. I agree that someone who has gone through the same things can be a valuable friend to have. These friends are my foundation, my support, my "sisters" and I love them.
I spent most of 10 years with no partner and very few dates, but LOTS of healthy activity...I had to create that life I wanted before I could invite someone else into it. Like always wanting to date a rock star, but then deciding to become a rock star instead. My boyfriend has never been in recovery, but has a respect and understanding of my issues and my past. He can tolerate my level of crazy.
If a potential date shows up, think it over first and I would recommend getting a panel of women friends together to help you sort through it. My "sisters" have done this for me and I've done it for them. If you're too ashamed to discuss it and get feedback from your peers, it's automatically deemed to be not healthy. Really, having this panel of experts (girlfriends who get you) should be required if you want to date in recovery.
Last Edit: Feb 15, 2020 6:01:00 GMT -8 by Susannah