Post by cactus_hug on Jan 28, 2020 12:36:27 GMT -8
Hello dear community,
it's an honor for me to be present here, and to be able to share a part of my life with you!
First, i'll be honest that i hope to find fellow travellers here, as well as - maybe - a sponsor, just in case my story resonates with anyone. Let me know
I've recently started going to LAA meetings, because the pain of withdrawal from my ex was too hard to bear. Somewhere i read a quote that the light gets in through the cracks, so i'm searching for that light and i'm on my way.
During my teenage years, i've always been "in love" with some unavailable person - a teacher, a doctor, a professor, or my emotionally unavailable peers... I've had only 3 relationships (i'm 31 y.o. now), and all of them were co-dependent and eventually failed.
My recent relationship (we broke up almost 4 months ago) was the longest one, even though my ex was an alcoholic, i just didn't pay attention to it at first, and then i was so addicted i couldn't leave. It started as the most romantic lovestory ever, we traveled half of the globe to finally "end up" together, and when we tried to do it and live as all couples do, with all the ordinary family stuff going on, it gradually turned into a toxic co-dependent mess (as i personally see it).
I feel very sad, broken and lonely now, because i still love her (i'm a bisexual female, my ex was a woman too). I know we had no future, but it still hurts. She's already with someone else, when i found out i was so devastated i started No Contact, which was my first step towards healing. But every now and then something reminds me of my ex and i explode in bitter tears.
My friends are very supportive, but the advice they usually give me is to move on and find someone else. However, i'm afraid if i do, this will be yet another unhealty relationship with me being addicted, controlling, manipulative and trying to use my partner to solve my problems. On top of that, i have some self-esteem issues, not believing that anybody would even like me anymore.
I went No Contact for 90 days, and for that period i want to stay "clean" (no flirting, no dating, no love fantasies or romance). And i want to go all the 12 Steps - in due time, of course. In the future, i would like to help and serve the community, i'm a native Russian speaker, so i'll be happy to translate program literature into Russian. When i go to meetings and listen to people, i feel for them, and at least i know i'm not alone in this. And i pray, connecting with my Higher Power. It gives me strength.
Thank you for reading, and i send my blessings to all of you!