I was trying to avoid this all along Aug 30, 2008 21:26:41 GMT -8
Post by sobrietythirst on Aug 30, 2008 21:26:41 GMT -8
I feel so empty. I fill my heart is burdened with such heaviness and heartbreak and everytime I need to sob my heart out..I can't. It's usally in an inappropiate setting. My life is chaos. I have started school again and not made enough room for me time..I see the ego-driven actions that have led me to such unhappiness. I think I may need medication. I used to just pass them off as moment but they're beginning to become more frequent and grave. I don't really have a motivation to live. I'm so unachieved...no where where I should or wanted to be. I need that "enlightened" witness to share it all too but I don't feel like I have anyone I can trust or won't fall in love with. I had a really bad trigger because I am living (relocating next year) with parents and I have just uncovered that my stepdad sexually abused me..we were dancing and I suddenly just twitched. It is so difficult because he is ill and financially things are difficult and I just feel as though I can't stay afloat. Healthy people don't process things the way that I do. A healthy person could have bad day but..I have a bad day and think that my life isn't worth living. A guy wasn't interested in me ( I wasn't exactly subtle in my approach) but it literally made me feel unlovable. I feel disgusting. My friend said she didn't understand why I was insecure because I'm beautiful. I am not beautiful. I am fat and ugly. I am so screwed up that any chance of love is impossible and wouldn't it be great to be loved by someone? I guess I'm in withdrawal. I deleted a POA...or rather someone I fantasized about from my internet profile. I don't trust anything I do..or doubt which leaves me in a constant state of fear or motivations of ego and compensation. I'm pathetic..I want to get help...but it seems like everything keeps getting in the way. I'm upset because then my family will want to know---which will make me wanna wait...which means more months miserable. Everything requires money ( little of that)....my scheduele and bad sleeping habits aren't allowing for as many meetings I would like to attend and even as I thought my steps were in progress....I couldn't find an AA 12 and 12 and that's what upsets me the most. Is little things lead to an ugly spiral of death? Healthy ppl don't do that if something is dropped or forgotten. Because everything is inside my head...fantasies happen...or I can't be around ppl....what's the point then? If I can't even COEXIST with other humans. I just feel like I can't live anymore. I want to ideally..but in reality it seems like death would be a sensible option.