My husband hates me b/c of my infidelity. My POA and his life are thriving (by his own addmittance) and mine is failing. I am a pathetic excuse for a woman. I beg and plead for crumbs and my self esteem is shot. I want to curl up in a ball and die. I really do. It is 6:00am and my life is so painful. I am going to lay back down for a few hours but really I am just wishing I would never wake up. My life is a nightmare I cannot escape. Everything loving is gone.
Post by Turtle Lover on Nov 11, 2008 9:43:39 GMT -8
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now, 2muchpain, but things WILL get better for you. I will be praying for you, and I send you a virtual hug. Please do something nice to yourself, and do NOT give in to these self-loathing feelings! And, keep venting. We will listen!
2much - not that it should make a difference, but even if your POA is saying his life is great and thriving - you don't what that means.
Please please please TAKE YOUR MIND OFF HIM. Bring it back to YOU.
You are dealing with the consequences of love addicted behavior. It's not pretty. But this is the time when we need to act like adults and face those consequences and deal with them - one day at a time.
Take the focus off the POA and deal with your own marraige. It seems pretty natural to me that your husband is angry about your infidelity.
I had a whole organization angry at me for the situation I caused in the workplace because of this addiction. It was extremely painful and humiliating. It has taken me a good while to rectify my behavior - in an adult way. I didn't grovel (well, I did for a short time which didn't work), I held my head high, I let people be angry, I stood my ground, I acted in a way that gained back their trust, I made amends one day at a time - not by apologizing all over the place, but by my actions and behavior.
It wasn't always easy. The main person involved continued to be difficult for awhile. But I couldn't blame him. He and I have a pleasant relationship now.
Everything is falling apart right now, 2much, as it should. Now it's time to rebuild. There is so much support and help out there, and certainly here. Everyone, and the universe, is rooting for you - even if your husband can't right now.
If you can get through this time you will have done the most courageous thing. Do you have children? If so, they need a mother who is available to them. Not perfect, just available.
Everything loving is NOT gone. If you are breathing there is love.
I just wrote and wrote and lost it all. I am so frustrated.
Oh Judy and Turtle, I cannot stop crying. I have never ever been good with the end of relatonships. I always hang on and on and especially to the wrong men. I just keep making a blithering idiot out of myself. I am jealous of his ability to put his marriage back together and mine is suffering so greatly. I want the happily ever after that he says he is getting with her and I want back what we used to have. Yes I have two small children and they are the only reason I am hanging on to life. I know this is about me and not him. I also know that if it were not for my two little boys I would end my life because the pain of this loss is so great. We spent 3 years planning a whole life together and it was taken away just like that. Cognitively I know this is about me and my happiness and not about him and his. Emotionally I am eight years old and want my "father figure" back. God I want him back. I am reaching out to all of you. Will someone please take my hand? Give me something out there to hang on to........
That is painful indeed! Any chance you can get to a 12 step meeting? Keep posting, we know how you feel. You deserve to be forgiven. I know people who won't forgive themselves and they just remain miserable...and therefore their kids pay too. We are here for you. Hugs.
Post by LovelyJune on Nov 11, 2008 15:21:18 GMT -8
2much....you want your PoA to be something bigger than your dad. You want him to be God. He's not. No man is. But let me tell you God is inside you. He is there and he is speaking to you...but you are not listening. Listen to the voice with in. Get a little weird with yourself today. Let it all out. Cry. It's OK. You are CLEANSING. You are PURIFYING your soul. You think your poa did that to have his happy life? i doubt it. You have chosen to be reborn...and this is your path. Do not look to anyone else on their path. You are at the very beginning-- at the point of birth. It's dangerous, lonely, but you are STRONG, girl. And God's voice is in you. And he's saying, "it's OK. You are almost there. You just got to believe...believe in us. You and me...."That's what God is saying 2much.
2 much pain, to get a different result, try a different approach. YOu have searched your intelligence and it has not saved you. YOu have searched out others and they have failed you. what do you need to try something different? Everything you want is only waiting for you to be willing. b.
2much pain..I am sorry you are going through this but you as Bluebird said you do need to try a different approach..there is a way out of despair..you must be able to let it go.. As hard as it sounds most of us have been where you are right now..three years ago my ex husband told me he wanted a divorce out of the blue I know what you are feeling..
I thought the same death would be better...I couldn't imagine moving on...I did though and I am hear to say that you can make the choice as well..to do something different.
Still here, 2much, and rooting for you. I couldn't let go either. For YEARS. And I was pathetic and desperate and acting in ways I would never have thought I would stoop too. When I watch "Fatal Attraction" now I cringe because that was me!!!
I have cried RIVERS. If it wasn't for my original 12 step program and the fact that my recovery in that is the most important thing in my life (as your children are to you) I'm sure I would have ended up in a hospital or a prison or something. I have never felt pain like that in my life.
But I don't feel it today!!!!! And as I have written, I SEE my last POA living what looks like the perfect life. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Today I'm more concerned with my own life. Does it sting to see his fiancee. Yes. Is it devastating? No. Do I cry anymore? No. Do I want to end it all? No.
I PROMISE YOU - this will pass. You will come to a place of acceptance, however minute it is. When your body mind and soul calm down you will be ready to start the journey of recovery. I have had more awarenesses and aha moments in the past three months on this site!!! It feels great.
I really do feel stronger and calmer, and dare I say it, wiser. But I know it is constant vigilance. I never want to go back to being the victim or wrapping my life around someone else.
Anyway - this is about YOU. LIke Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow is another day".
wow 2much, I can't believe you are still obsessing about your POA. You need to let go. For some reason you refuse to let go. It just brings pain. That means 100% NC. 100% not talking about him. 100% not fantasizing about him. And 100% focus on your recovery. And also a lot of communication with your husband.
What wonderful things are you doing for your husband? Does he understand how serious love addiction is? Do you sincerely ask him for help? You are seriously ill. Are you still afraid to totally commit yourself to your husband? He can tell. He can see it in your eyes. He knows you are just going through the motions. You think he is just mad at you. He is probably looking for some sign, some assurance that you are going to stick around, that you are willing to do anything, that he is the most important thing in your life. Your husband will never be the number one person in your life unless you let go, really let go, of every POA you have or ever had.
How can you still be talking about your POA!? You say your POA's life is thriving and yours is failing. Well, just the fact that you are even aware his life is thriving is one of the reasons your life is failing. (And your POA will probably be with his wife in heaven too, so give up that idea.) You have to let go! Please.
I agree with Bluebird. Everything you need is waiting for you. You just need to be willing.
You have to be willing to get better, to rid yourself of the pain. Quit running away. I'm sure if you keep looking and talking to everyone you know you will find people sympathetic to your craving for your POA. But you need to get real. We really care about you on this site. We all love you. We want you to get through this. Hang in there. And please decide TODAY to end the pain. Quit prolonging it. We will help you.
your post blew me away , it was strong and full of love . I too needed to hear it . Sometimes traight talking is the only way, and your so right eople will always be sympathetic to your craving for this person, how romantic(not) , not what we need.
i need to pull myself together. take a deep breath, and commit once again, to my recovery. winnie
Post by shattereddreams on Nov 21, 2008 21:49:15 GMT -8
2Much - I hope you made it through this day. I've been there myself (too many times) and even though I am new to these boards, hope I can share from my experience.
1. No relationship is worth the sacrifice of your precious life. 2. You feel like your life is ending, but it is only changing. Change is scary because it is unknown, but it is what helps move us away from the past, and beyond the present. You have to get through this painful situation, learn from it, and move forward to a life which holds new opportunities for happiness and joy. 3. I believe God has a purpose and a plan for us. When we are broken and feel beyond repair, He wants us to turn to him. Let go.....and God will lift your burden and God will give you healing, if you will only have faith. Believe in the possibility for new beginnings, for healing, for wisdom, for growth, for joy. 4. I have been where you are...I felt so trapped in a terrible marriage and so unable to see a brighter future that I actually made a serious suicide attempt, serious enough that I actually flat-lined twice and had a near death experience. My husband found me, saw what I had done (I had overdosed on his back pain medications), and physically and verbally abused me and then abandoned me....left me to die on our bathroom floor. He got in his car and left town, drove to his mother's. He didn't call 911, but left a voice mail message on my sister's answering machine. It is only by the grace of God that I am alive.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 19Or do you not know that your body is a temple* of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.
When I was released from the hospital, I moved to an apartment with help from family. I never moved back to my husband. We are separated, and I plan to divorce him. I am able to forgive him for what he did, but I will never life with him again as his wife. As far as I am concerned, the moment I flat-lined my marriage vows to him were released. God liberated me and freed from bondage. My life truly belongs to God, and I am truly living in his grace. I experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit, filled with peace which surpasses understanding, touched so deeply by God's love and mercy for me. I know I am forgiven, I know God loves me. I know God has a purpose for me to continue to live. I was given a new life, and filled with a new courage to LIVE.
Forgive me if I am being overly religious, but I have to share this good news. When you feel broken and life seems hopeless and worthless, there is always a way out. God can do amazing unbelievable things if you put your faith in Him and surrender to him.
Just get out there and reach out for help. If you are in serious danger, go to the hospital. See a doctor or counselor or social worker or minister. Lean on a recovery group. Surround yourself with positive messages of hope. Nurture yourself. DO NOT GIVE UP. SUICIDE is not the answer. DO NOT THROW AWAY your precious life over some guy or some affair. You made a mistake, you have to be able to let go of your shame and guilt and anger and forgive yourself. God can forgive you. Your husband may be angry, and this is understandable. If you do not feel safe with him, a physical separation may be necessary, but if you want to save your marriage then do everything you can to get help and support for the two of you to work through the pain and rebuild the trust and love. Or if that is not possible, you let go of it, and you just keep moving forward.
Love addicts are terrified of abandonment....even if it means we are being rejected or abandoned by someone who has nothing to give, someone who hurts or abuses or neglects us. We are terrified of being alone. We have to change our way of thinking and realize that if we are trapped in an unhealthy pattern of living we have to be willing to to lose it in order to allow ourselves to be free, free to find something more joyous and mutually beneficial, to find healing and recovery. CHOOSE LIFE, choose to do things which affirm and nurture and support your life. Tomorrow is a new day. Seize it, live it, enjoy it.
We cannot ruin our lives! We can ruin things in our lives and we may feel we have ruined our past, but we cannot say our future is ruined because it hasn't happened yet, and if we are ruining the present, then we have the ultimate power to turn that around. Be stroooong!, as I know you can be. Keep your head up and your spirits. You believe in a higher power take this time to ask him to show his power, to show his existence is real. He is alive!
I am praying hard for you, as I have been since you joined. If you forgive yourself, truly forgive yourself, let go of the guilt and shame, and remember that it has all been paid, one day others will forgive you. If they see you are strong and that you no longer hold on to guilt and unforgiveness, they will want to be a part of that. This will also make it easier to forgive others who have hurt you and those that hurt you in the future.
Keep your head held high. Bring yourself back up. Only you can. Others can help, but only you can. Best wishes to you, sincerely.
Sorrow shared is halved...joy and laughter shared is doubled...love shared is multiplied!
"Love addicts are terrified of abandonment....even if it means we are being rejected or abandoned by someone who has nothing to give, someone who hurts or abuses or neglects us. We are terrified of being alone. We have to change our way of thinking and realize that if we are trapped in an unhealthy pattern of living we have to be willing to to lose it in order to allow ourselves to be free, free to find something more joyous and mutually beneficial, to find healing and recovery."
Shattered Dreams.........this was beautiful. Thank you for posting what you did. You can never be too religious for me. God's guy....thank you also and PLEASE continue to pray for me. I can feel GOD making a change in me and some of the fear and anxiety is subsiding but I am TERRIFIED it will come back at any minute and I will call him and then want to die all over again. Please help me and continue to PRAY!!! Thanks to everyone who has posted so far!!
Last Edit: Dec 2, 2008 19:50:43 GMT -8 by 2muchpain
I feel I have ruined my life also with my obsessive behaviour, I took my vision off my career and had to leave. I have been doing volunter work for nearly 10 months now. The strange thing is that now I am in recovery and go to LAA meetings and counciling I feel I can only go up, cause I'v hit rock bottom. Everything is an achievement from getting up in the morning to exercise to having a nutrisious meal (especially with a friend), and I document it on a daily level. Movement is extremly important and helps dramatically. I don't expect to live like this for the rest of my life, and know that this is just a small part of a long tunnel, and when I am out of it, I will never ever enter that tunnel of addictive love obsession again. Thanx heaps for posting.
Post by brainhealth on Mar 30, 2012 15:02:18 GMT -8
I'll take your hand. But, in time, you will realise that you don't need to hold anyone's hand. The only hand you need to take is the hand of your inner child. Try and discover her. Imagine her in your mind's eye. What is she wearing? What age is she? Does she stand looking at the mirror to act out her little dreams and secrets? DO you envy her innocence? Is she troubled? How can you help her deal with her troubles ? What suggestion can whisper into her ears when you are holding her tight and safe? It's all right to think back and dream about these things, because, your inner child is your way to full recovery.
I will look in on you from time to time. I will be there. But , your inner child work will enable you to be free.
Decide where you want to be, then take the steps to be there. But, most important of all, believe that you can get you there.
Post by hurtsomanypeople on May 31, 2012 7:24:52 GMT -8
2much, Hold hands with me because I am feeling the EXACT same way. My POA had a girlfriend only 6 weeks after I wrote him a NC letter and only 10 months later he's ENGAGED to her! I, of course, think his life is perfect. My psychiatrist says he had to jump into another relationship in order to not feel the pain of losing me. I don't know what is true but the only reason I found out is because someone told me (when I specifically asked her not to!). This threw me back into suicide mode. My husband is an angel. He has been putting up with my stuff for 14 months. However, he said he was repulsed by my "crying over another man" (and this POA is stuff....alcoholic, gambler, bi-polar and ex-con). What my husband said to me made me realize I could really lose him. I don't want that. I want to keep my family together. This site has been a lifesaver. I see now how my obsessive love addiction is such a mental illness that I WILL beat. You can too! We'll do it together while holding hands. Do you want to work things out with your husband? Are you cyber stalking?
Post by Loving My Life on May 31, 2012 7:35:25 GMT -8
welcome hurtsomanypeople, we are all glad your here. Can you go to the newcomers thread, under the home tab, and tell us your story and how you got here, and what your recovery goals are? And everyone will know you are new, you will find alot of knowledge & support on this forum. Again welcome and we are all glad your here. Keep coming back.
Last Edit: Jun 2, 2012 3:55:09 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
What's with all this "I've ruined my life" stuff? What are your goals to repair and rebuild your life? Refocus on what you can DO, not what is lost. We ALL lose things. We all suffer. We all are forced to change. You are no different than anyone else on this planet. What makes you different is your PERSPECTIVE. Your perspective will allow you to either remain in a swamp of misery, or propel you to change and recreate your life because you believe that is more important than suffering. You choose. You have a choice.
What will you choose?
Last Edit: Jun 2, 2012 4:00:47 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
I agree with Lj, the '' I ruined my life'' attitude keeps one on the path of self destruction and stuck. It's an addicts form of wallowing in self doubt and pity. The child like brain is processing the FEELINGS of sadness, guilt, shame and fear as over the past behaviors as '' I ruined my life'' and nothing will get better. As immature addicts we ''catastrophize'' events rather then seeing them as potential for growth and development. You can have the feelings around your behaviors BUT you can't let it rule your choices...feel it for what it is but then look to the future and make adult choices...don't catastrophize...there's always hope for a better tomorrow. Always!!!