So, I had the sort of final discussion with my POA yesterday afternoon where we both decided that it would be better to not have contact. It's so insane. I don't want to let go of him at all. I feel like it's all my fault that he can't love me (because i hooked up ONCE with a family member of his before I even met him) and it's driving me nuts. I just feel completely unlovable and like no one out there that I want to be with will ever love me.
I feel like the worst person on the face of EARTH and I am not convinced right now that time nor spirit nor anything will actually heal this pain.
i don't really want to go on with my life. i don't have any plans to do anything crazy, but i just don't know what i'm living for if the guy that i'm in love with and with whom it's so clear that there is so much chemistry can't even love me back.
amaralita, i have been feeling this way too about my POA. it hurts so bad. what did i do so wrong. she is the one that hurt me so bad and i still want her. just wanted you to know i am feeling the same way. scared and crazy. i am so fustrated at myself for not letting go. i see her and melt. god i am so sick and it makes me so mad.
i'm having a very difficult time "letting go" of my PoA as well... i've been reading a lot... some of the books i've been reading that talk about breaking your obsession / addiction to love or a person talk about how the concept of a "one and only" is really more a fantasy than a fact... that there is not just ONE person out there for us and that it isn't our ONLY chance for happiness and love... that there are many people out there with whom we might be able to have a loving and healthy relationship...
i get it on an intellectual level... but thus far, i'm in the same boat as you guys... i still just want HER back... no one else... but hopefully the more i read about what a healthy relationship might look like, and the more tools i get to deal with the obsessive thoughts and the addiction, maybe i'll be able to get through this...
Post by Metamorphosis on Nov 24, 2008 14:52:13 GMT -8
The main reason we like to blame ourselves for the end of a relationship is because this makes us believe we can fix the problem by doing something different. We know we have the power to change ourselves so now we think we have the solution to the problem. But the problem is rarely just us and we CAN'T change other people.
Hi everyone - That pain you are feeling now will end. IT WILL END. Have faith. Even if you only have mustard seed size of faith.
Many of us have been there. I was on my knees many times SOBBING. I never felt pain like that in my life. Which is indicative of the fact that - to me - love addiction is not just about how I got obsessed with another person. It is about a deep deep wound in me that never healed properly and how that manifested in addictive obsessive desperate behavior with men, and with other areas of my life.
All of that blaming ourselves and/or blaming the other person is just the insanity of the addiction.
Believe me, and I think others who have been recovering from this addiction will attest, when you have some time away from the poa, and the addictive drama of the situation, you will have CLARITY, CALMNESS and a presence of mind. You will intuitively know that it really doesn't matter whether there is one "one and only" or there are a million of them. THEY are not the point. WE are the point.
Our individual health and happiness is the point. Once that has been established with a solid foundation then there is room to explore the kind of intimacy we think we might want.
This may sound harsh, but I think to make someone elses love of us - even in the best of circumstances - the point of this recovery is selling ourselves short.
Amaralita - I have been where you are several times over the past decade because of my obsession with a man and my disbelief and utter amazement that he didn't want me. I am nowhere near there today. So, believe me, it passes. Keep reading on this subject, keep posting, be good to yourself. There is no magic pill. Do you read the 12 steps and write about them at all?
It's normal to feel this pain in the beginning, but there is a solution.
Thanks for all of the responses. It is good to read about people who have made it to the other side, so to speak. I have to be fully honest and admit that i have not yet fully committed myself to the 12 steps yet. i wrote on step one, but i have a very hard time not distracting myself from the work. i guess i have to start believing that i am totally worth it. and that there can be an alternate reality from the one that i've lived for so long.
Post by LovingGracefully on Nov 24, 2008 23:49:06 GMT -8
I have written this before...this isn't fatal. The pain will not kill you...it only feels that way. We are all still here in the aftermath of those feelings. They feel desperate and chaotic...horribly painful, but it will absolutely get better than it is right now.
Just have faith that NO EMOTION lasts forever. When you're laughing you don't laugh for hours and hours on end. When you're angry you don't stay angry for days on end. You can't just have one single emotion and have it last for a lifetime. This won't last a lifetime either.
It won't be like this soon. Wait it out. No emotion is permanent or we'd all be walking around with one look on our face!
You are full of emotions right now. Each one is fighting for front and center. You're mad, hurt, raging and fearing....all of them are coming to the surface.
I'm a living testament that it will pass. I'm still feeling the feelings but they aren't as they once were. The feelings come and go and now I have a clear view of why I'm having those feelings in the first place.
This is a lifetime commitment to healing. There is, unfortunately, no quick fix for this. Look at it like being on a diet! You take away some of the bad things you eat for a short amount of time and see results....gain all your weight back (plus some) when you suddenly want your old kind of foods and eating behaviors back. You didn't change the bad eating behaviors! When you learn what you need to eat, When you make a change in the way you eat and the foods you nourish your body with you will see the positive results for a lifetime! This is a learned behavior. You have to make a conscious, lifetime effort to make this stick!
Make a commitment to healing your own wounds. Heal yourself so that you have a lifetime of healthy relationships to look forward to.
Thanks so much for your honesty. There are some people who get to the end of their ropes and just let go. You, instead, came to us with your raw pain.
There is a part of you that cares about you above all else. That is what brought you to the board instead to hurting yourself. Focus on that. Obsess about that. Find out what that part of you is about. Let that guide your steps in the coming weeks.
You have inspired me to do that for myself.
Metamorphosis: Thank you so much for telling us about the real motivation for self-blame. I have to admit that I could do nothing to keep my "first-love" with me. And I have to admit that my inability doesn't mean that I am worthless. Amarlita, understand that you hooking up with someone's brother before you met your mate is simply not grounds for a breakup for a reasonable person. You ARE loveable. You probably just have to wait for someone who IS reasonable.
I remember that feeling, that if I could find JUST one thing , one thing that might make him realise we were meant to be together it would be ok. So I did alsorts and somtimes , just sometimes still do. But really and truly there is nothing.
Thety are not the measure of us. They will not complete us and make us good people , we are already all of those things. I remember feeling hollow and worthless and like I was insignificant and might float away. I didnt!!!
I have grown stronger and stronger. Somethiong huge happened in my life recently , I had to reach inside me and find resoursec I had never found before. The silver lining is I reealised how strong and amzing I was and could be. That was me all the time and I didnt realise.
This is you too. You are strong and definate and I belive you have shown you can do this by tking the first step and coming here. you will work through this I promise.
Keep posting. Find ways to focus on yourself. Run, Have a massage. Paint. anyhitng to focus. best wishes winnie
I know it seems the pain will never go, That you'll never get up from down this low, And, true, time will not heal all pain, But patience and faith brings joy after the rain, First, know your creator loves you, and believe, Then love yourself, this, noone else can achieve, Others will then see your inner change, And their feelings for you will rearrange, Then you will discover your purpose here, If we seek, we find it, it's very near, So when you feel like giving up is the way, Please know you'll be lifted up high one day.
So, nothing has really changed in this week with me.
I danced with my POA on Saturday and on the whole drive back he had his hand in mine, stroking my fingers. Is this not tenderness? Am I completely off base?
Thank you to everyone for your posts, especially to the person who wrote that for any reasonable person the situation with his brother would not be a dealbreaker. The shame from this event sits heavy on my shoulders and heart and may very well kill me one day. Who knows.
Interestingly, I am dealing with all of this with my POA as I also let go of my father.
THe latest situation with my father is as follows: A few weeks ago he was coming to town to visit with my grandmother (his mom) who lives nearby. He was coming with his fiancee (will be 3rd wife). I had asked him if he had an hour of time to spend with me alone as I hadn't seen him in months. He told me no, that they would be too busy with my grandmother. I was upset but took it and decided to have dinner with him and his fiancee that Friday night. Well, after listening to her praise him effusively for being such a wonderful man, and telling me about how all of his employees just love him to death, I just sort of shut down. I mean, it's very impossible to have just a real, relaxed dinner with them...everything is about show. After my father told me that he would really appreciate it if I would visit them in Maine sometime (where they just bought a vacation home --- ironically in the SAME TOWN that my mom, him, and my brother and I used to visit every single summer when I was young... so a bit uncomfortable for me), I told him that I would think about it but that it was hard to imagine going to a place that I had spent a lot of time with out family in.... I don't think that answer was to his liking as he looked very hurt. God forbid that he would think of how his actions impacted others. Anyway, rest assured that the remainder of the dinner was uncomfortable. I told him the next morning that I would not join them for dinner Saturday night (as previously planned) but would see them another time soon. They ended up leaving that afternoon, telling my grandmother how disappointed they were in me, as they had made all this effort to come down and see me (um, not the sense I got when I was told he didn't even have an hour of free time).
Anyway, cut to Thanksgiving day... I made an effort to reach out to my father by calling him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. He never called me back. I have not heard from him since. I have emailed him twice saying "is something wrong, are you ok? let's please open up the lines of communication" but nothing.
How ironic that as I try to break away from my POA (jEsus) and understand that his inability to love me back says more about him than it does about me, I have to also let go of my father, whose inability to connect emotionally, and sheer narcissism keeps him from loving his own children unconditionally.
Man I am holding a lot of pain right now.
THanks for listening. I'm sorry that this got so long.
To all the people that have been through the storm and have come out and helping others thank you.I have need feeling hopeless that this pain will ever end and its nice to know time can heal.I have done some real naive stuff these past few months in the name of love and now i am detoxing away from that mess. Please pray for me.if you read my post please don't be to hard on me because i know i'm naive.
amaralita, I could have written your posts. This is where I am right now... that my POA and I are "perfect" together, if only he would see that, etc. Only we're not perfect together, are we? Not when I'm suffering so much pain...
I can't stop crying, but I know deep down inside that I have to let him go. I just don't know how, not yet.. but I will. I need to recover from this.... it's an obsession, not a healthy one...