Post by presence on Jun 18, 2009 17:25:43 GMT -8
I'm having to truly try and let go of what I thought I wanted in my life. It is so unbearably painful to realize that so many doors are definitely closed to me (being young and in love) and others are very likely closed to me. I don't like most men. And most of them don't get me either.
I've been thinking of my POA again. And I've realized why. As poorly as he treated me/ended things he's probably the kindest man I've been with. I'm so ashamed to say this but, here's the truth: He was the only one who has ever held me when I was crying. He's the only one who's said he was sorry-- and didn't sound like he wasn't just trying to get me to shut up already. He's the only one that held me while I slept. He made me feel understood because he was going through something too...
... and it only lasted a week
...and he WAS part of the purest part of my childhood memories
....but he's not how because he was married when we were together.
It's hard to believe he's on my mind again at all, but as a torchbearer I've been substituting another fantasy lover. That works best. In fact, it gets rid of thoughts of my POA pretty immediately....but its very temporary as far as making me feel like I want to keep waking up every morning, endlessly.
I just feel like I'm collapsing in on myself. Other times I feel like I'm moving into reality...grieving like I should I suppose. But I've been grieving my whole life. I don't fit in anywhere. I never really have. It feels like nothing really changes. No matter what I do, I come back to the same feeling-place...walled-off
Having been in recovery for so long, I know more than I did before. I'm more aware of the whys of my behavior, they whys of my infrequent acting out...but I don't know one thing more about why my life is so barren. I don't know that I know myself, but I'm less willing to just go along to get along....with anyone. My codependent self says that's not a good thing. I don't know.
I do know I'm tired of thinking. I'm no longer trying to figure out what to change about myself. I'm just hoping I can read something that will let me be okay with going to work in a relatively peaceful environment, eating healthy, exercising, having acquaintances but not friends, pushing friends away that don't/can't talk honestly about being lonely or being hurt for any more than 3 or 4 sentences in a row. (I wish I was exaggerating)
Two friends of mine at church this Sunday told me I looked the most beautiful, relaxed and happy than I have in a long time---and the entire time I was on my way to church I was thinking---geez I hope I die soon. If I felt alone before church, I sure as HELL did after that.
I think I almost laughed.
This pain makes me so narcissistic too. One drama-queen friend who told me she hasn't been feeling well for the past week--I don't care. She completely abandoned me when I needed her and I don't care. I feel so toxic for feeling this way but I don't care. Currently, I'm trying to make myself leave a kind message at a phone number she's not sitting at. I don't care about anything else except ending my own pain--And to that end, thoughts of feeling wanted by someone again--even by my POA again....seems like a good idea--right up until I think of the withdrawal.
I'll only call him if I've decided to die I think. So far so good, I guess. I haven't.
I think I may start keeping a journal again. Writing to God. Tell him how much I hate Him sometimes. I need to know how often this is happening in my head--Fleeting thoughts of death rather this endless loneliness is one thing--Having these thoughts more and more often are another I guess.