Post by salutations2you on Aug 3, 2009 4:29:16 GMT -8
I've come to my own personal revelation that my husband and I litterally married into each others baggage, in the sense that I was young and litterally ran away from an abusive alcholic father and dysfunctional home , turned around and married an alcholic, who was rebounding from his own first marriage divorce ( blind as a bat I was)
I knew the marriage was over 7 years ago, but stayed up until a week ago , ( I am in councelling), left and got myself an apt,
I think that my own inner truths and realisations has placed me in a place where I like myself , i am comfortable with facing my truths and i am integrating, and i realise I had no choice in the matter of growing up in a dysfunctional abusive home, but today I know I have choice....
my seperated husband thinks i can fall in love with him (?) if he changes ........... i find this statement threatening why???
i find it makes me feel smothered all over again , can someone help me through this :-)
I've felt the exact same way you have. I come from a family of addicts and I believe my husband and I are both codependent.
I've had many, many people tell me that it's possible to stay in the marriage and fall in love again - basically that it's a choice. I resist this and it does make me angry and I do feel smothered.
For me, I think I find it threatening because I don't believe that people see me as an individual anymore. I feel like 'wife' and 'mother' come first. I feel like I'm being forced to play a part in a play - that it doesn't really matter to anyone what I feel as long as everyone gets the illusion of happy family.
Having said that, I do love my husband with an 'agape' form of love. I pray for him, I want the best for him, but I also believe that you can love someone and it still not be a healthy situation to live in day to day.
Even my therapist told me during our last session that I seem to be 'starving'. And that's the way I feel - like I'm just doing what's expected of me and going through the motions.
Have you seen the movie 'Revolutionary Road'? That's my life right now.
Post by salutations2you on Aug 3, 2009 6:51:21 GMT -8
I totally understand what you are saying, seems you get lost , lose yourself in trying to please everyone else , I stayed in the marriage for all the WRONG reasons!! I was not happy or "IN" love with him, but like you i love him on a different level, I also want the best for him and pray for him too, maybe one day he will see after 2 failed marriages that he has serious control issues, and that if he bugs and begs long and hard enough to get what he wants people do cave in......... but it doesnt mean it is right or fair or even close to a human thing to do
There is this comercial on the tv , i think it is an add for an insurance company, and there is an older couple talking , the man is saying he asked her twice to marry him, and she kept saying no, and he continues on to say "BUT I NEVER " gave up on her and look how happy we are now... HA! in real life ........... I am stronger and wiser now , what is really sad is that my husband new i did not want to stay 7 years ago, i went as far as filing for divorce then caving in.... and staying because he always used fear and intimidation to keep me, how hiis first wife took off and took the kids and it almost destroyed him and how suicidal he was
so this time ... I outright said , "Don't even go down that road of reminding me how suicidal you were when your first wife left you, because if you do i will call and get you some councelling help, that way he can't hold me hostage!!!