Id like to know if its normal now that Im in recovery to feel worse than I did a few years back when I didnt know I had a problem? Was I just hidding all the feelings before.Because now I just feel and experience alot of pain.I wake up feeling afraid and angry.I cry for the simplest things(certain things trigger certain emotions).
Im scared of the crying.Ive been told that its a sign that ones depression is getting worse.Then Ive been told my my therapist that I have alot of inner child healing to do.And crying just releases pent up emotions.
I just basically need to know if it is indeed normal for it to get worse before it gets better,because at this stage in my life it feels as if Im not getting better.Feels like Im not healing because Im still in so much pain,even in more pain than I was before.
In addition to all of the above I find myself wanting and needing more and more validation.I blame myself for failed relationships and friendships because I feel as if I demand to much and I dont know how to appreciate the love I do get from them and I push them away.My therapist told me that it a d**ned if you do and d**ned if you dont situation.If I dont get the love I think I need Im angry and if I do I think Im asking for to much and I try to sabotage it.
I find myself sabotaging my relationships,its laomist s if I cannot believe people would want to be around me.Is this normal.How do I stop??? Very very painful.I know what I need and what would make me feel good but when I get it its like I push it away.And that in itself makes me feel helpless.
It is common ( i may never understand normal.) Up until now you have used relationships to dull that pain and avoid those fears. You've used (and created) the emotional turmoil of your relationships the way a drunk takes a drink. Now, as you begin to let go of that old behavior - you are learning what was under there that you have not wanted to feel.
feeling it can also be freeing because - Yuck, who would WANT to feel that. You can have some compassion for yourself and be a bit more forgiving to you.
The thoughts and behaviours started when you were so young you didn't know what else to do. Now, you must be stronger than you realize, you are strong enough to handle those things that baffled you as a child. strong enough to handle this stuff you describe.
it has been my similar experience. we have to change our thinking - to change our feelings - I'm finding it difficult and rewarding to put effort into seeing each day with a different lens.
Hi, it's great that you stay connected to us on this board. you are NOT alone.
I saw your vent. When I started in recovery in a diferent 12 step group - I went to the country and yelled. AT my mother, at my father, at the ism of it. I took a safe and closed mouth friend with me. It was frightening how much (enormous amount of energy)I had inside. I thought walls would fall down and trees fall over. It felt like a blob of demon came up and out of me. It was so ugly. I have learned doing this that I left out my birth father - probaly some work left there for me.
We get it up and out and that moves us forward.
IT IS NOT A PLACE TO STAY. IT BECOMES MOROSE THEN AND WILL TAKE YOU NOT OUT BUT DEEPER IN.
GET IT OUT AND KEEP MOVING.
wish I could help, it's a very jarring time. do you have support other than the P. friend?
Yes I can identify with the feeling of built up energy that feels as it it could make thing explde,etc.I have a very good friend who is there whenever I need to talk to her and she is helping me staay focused when I seem to move off track.Id like to get involved with a therapist again,but dont know how to choose one.The last one I went to just didnt seem to help a hell of alot.Any advice...
I understand what you are saying. I was just thinking i was happier a few years ago before i knew all of the things i have recently learned about myself. I certainly didn't cry at the drop of a hat then like i do now. I was engaged in several addictive behaviors at that time, including distance running which kept me at a high frequently because of the endorphins. i also drank too much, and got involved with guys who probably weren't healthy. I also developed a mild/moderate eating disorder. All of these were to mask emotions i had been keeping in check since early adolescence, in addition to not dealing with my addition to my exhusband who i was separated from at the time. it makes sense that now that i'm dealing with them, i am more emotional in general. as a kid i couldn't let it out, but now i can. i am hoping that it leads to a happier, healthier me, but its tough getting there and sometimes i feel like just quitting.
my therapist is wonderful, but i went to several that didn't help. i just lucked out with mine, picked her off of my insurance list. do you have any friends that have good therapists, perhaps they can help you with a referral?
Im also extremely emotional.I cry at the slightest comment,etc.I do have a great councellor.But I feel that if I restart councelling Im bothering er in some way??? ...anyway I rally want a councellor.was even thinking of booking myself into La rehab...
Hi, how are you today? I've been following your post about the depression that has come up for you. Sometimes people take antidepressants for a while when doing this work. I saw you say you might check in for awhile. I wish I could afford to do that. It sounds like such a great gift.
Better to check in somewhere than check out by using or going back. Better to check in somewhere than to check out permanently.
"if I restart counseling I'm bothering her in some way" - that sounds like a message from childhood. Counselors are professionals and it is their job to help us work through times like these. If she can't, another can. Therapist are not our parents. When we were children and no one was there, or didn't have time, or was bothered we reacted by telling ourselves something - that it was about us. We were not worthy in some way.. AS adults, with therapist, worthiness is about them and their training. Having time for us is about their professional schedule and NOT about our own inherent worth.
You are emotionally right in the middle of where all this started. DO GET HELP. THIS IS A PLACE of GREAT POWER.. YOU CAN HEAR AND FEEL THE OLD AND LEARN TO RESPOND TO IT DIFFERENTLY. AWARENESS + PAIN + TIME= CHANGE.
YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO CHANGE AND HEALING.
you have your faith, and you have us. it's all ahead of you now. (I say to you what I tell myself everyday, as I've seen you do w/others. - We are moving through this, keep heart.) xxbluebird
Last Edit: Jul 14, 2008 4:41:53 GMT -8 by bluebird
Is it normal for me to feel abnormal when i have peace and not all the fighting.Is it normal to be afraid of recovery.As if i dont know what to do.i feel bored.I don tliek the anxiety/withdrawal/depression.But I feel that the minute Im relieved of this Im a different person.I feel like I have to go out and create drama.And views on this.
Its strange.Because I want to be happy,but I feel strange being at peace.
Yes, it is normal to feel afraid of recovery. I have felt afraid but I allowed myself to be with the fear and I have even grieved when I knew I was leaving behind some old destructive patterns. It is because you are leaving what you have known and has become comfortable for you. You might even go back a step or two in your recovery due to the fear, but you will move forward again. It is an ebb and flow. When you are ready the next step, your recovery will resume.
I used my POA to avoid feelings of loneliness and sadness that I felt throughout most of my childhood. After months of working on not using fantasies of POA to avoid these feelings, I had to live with feeling sad and lonely most of the time. Recently I realized I don't feel sad and lonely. And it is STRANGE!!!!
Hi all - I have been afraid of the feelings that recovery in this fellowship brings, also. I don't know if I can even put into words the kind of fear it brings up.
I was thinking of it yesterday walking along the street. Recovery in this program, which for me, in LARGE part, means letting go of fantasies - both romantic and otherwise - scares me because I am then faced with REALITY.
Somehow living in fantasy, and spending time chasing those dreams keeps me in some kind of state that life goes on forever. Reality means facing my mortality. It means I'm a 54 year old woman who won't be around forever. And I need to take care of myself.
Fantasy means I'm still that 20 year old kid thinking life is going to happen "just as soon as..."
Nothing wrong with that fantasy at 20. At 54 it is not healthy, or wise.
I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone, but that's what it brings up. But it's OK.
I guess, through the grace of the gods, I'm in a place where I am willing to accept reality today and the loss of those dreams and fantasies - which perhaps I needed then - but are only a liability today.
It's lonely and sad at times, as bungabali shared, but definitely worth it.
Yeah, that's what I felt was the loss of the dreams and fantasies. It was a real grieving process and very painful. My reality wasn't that pleasant and I used POA to avoid that reality. ( Lots of financial problems, setbacks in nursing school ) I had more of an emotional relationship with the POA and thought of him constantly. I still have some problems with remembering POA when I don't want to feel some negative feelings but the thoughts are more distant. I have been working really hard on this for four months to get to this point. It's probably the most painful process I have ever been through but it really is worth it once you get to the other side.
Even though you are 54, don't get down on yourself. Some people go to their graves never reaching the growth that you have.
Hi everyone. I too sometimes feel worse than 20 years ago before I started healing from sexual abuse. The pain of my last relationship with my POA was painfull.
Giving it up and working on the steps is very painfull. Hearing you folks say the same is true, frees me from worry that I am going backwards, But it is moving forward, healing, and feeling all the feelings that I kept under. Been too busy with toxic relationships to heal.
I had a dream.I had given birth to a daughter.A beautiful little girl.Very very fragile and like all new borns are I suppose ( I have no kids).In the dream I didnt take very good care of her.I left her to sleep for hours and almost let her drown in some water.I remember her trying to help herself in the bath and trying to use her fragile,frail little body to do stuff.But she struggled.I eventually helped her. I resented her in this dream,but I also adored her. I wonder if this has anything to do with My inner child? Im sure on some level it does.I woke up feeling warm inside though.
"I used my POA to avoid feelings of loneliness and sadness that I felt throughout most of my childhood."
I realise one of the reasons why I am physically and emotionally drained is because there is all this change happening inside of me. It is tiring. I almost have a war waging in me and it is frightening. The people around me dont' understand what I am going through. I almost wish there were more recovered alcoholics and drug addicts around me to talk to. I started to read the Big Book for AA and started to realise that the chaos in my life is so much like the chaos in the alcoholics life. It is like we both don't want to face reality. In my case there are no drugs or alcohol or very very little alcohol but the effect is the same. I go on 'benders' also where I totally lose perspective. My friends say it is impossible to talk to me when I am like that.
Now I am facing reality and trying to change but keep slipping - fantasizing, meeting new POA's, etc,. I am facing up to what I have to do but I am scared. I feel overwhelmed! I just posted on my MSN in the personalisation area "One Day at a Time" to remind me that recovery won't happen overnight.
It is just that I am now soo tired of the pain and want the recovery that the AA people talk about. That serenity that they manage to achieve that helps them to avoid ever taking that drink again. I want that serenity and peace so i don't get addicted again! I want my child to heal.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
I can not imagine that I was ever this fragile and helpless. I have been so disconnected with my infant that I somehow think that I have always been an adult.Such a pity. Such a pity.I have lost many years and childhood experiences.I will take care of her.
Post by 8888airplane on Mar 10, 2010 6:53:14 GMT -8
Inner child healing is a process which you allow yourself to let out those stuffed down emotions, but it's important not to let it spiral into what is called toxic shame. Crying, hugging a pillow or curling up into a fetal position and just letting out the pain is a healing process. I have picked times in my life when I knew I would have time to be alone let myself cry those tears but I don't let it become toxic.
Post by ndavisportland on May 7, 2012 11:02:28 GMT -8
How do you determine what is toxic or not when crying/feeling feelings? I'm at the beginning of all of this, day 2 again actually and I'm scared because I am afraid of feeling like this for MONTHS. I know it is a process but it just sounds discouraging because it's painful and hard and I feel like 'whats the point, too much work'. The problem is, the other option is also painful. I'm in recovery from drugs and alcohol as well, so I'm familiar with it being a process, but I sware to god relationship addiction is harder to break and almost as painful (sometimes more painful) than heroin withdrawal....for me.
Ndavis--Take it one day at a time. The first few days and weeks are the worst but it subsides with time. These are the feelings we run from at all costs but it's what needs to be done to heal. I went through drug and alcohol withdrawals too but yes the relationship withdrawals are worse. You're coming off the hormonal high, grieving and probably having some past childhood issues being triggered by this process. I know the feelings and it's VERY painful . It feels worse because we DONT need drugs/alcohol in our lives but we do need love and relationships. Try and sit with this as best you can. Seek out some support groups or even a therapist. I needed one on one therapy and did a whole lot of journaling, reading and feeling. I spent so many years not feeling my real feelings. During my early recovery, my painful childhood would come flooding in and all the emotions too. When i started feeling the real stuff that caused the Love addiction the POA's were not much in my mind anymore. My past is what needed to be healed. I was all over the place at first and there were days I needed to cry alone and just be with it. I made it through and I'm Ok today. Much stronger than ever before--if I do say so myself....hang in there. You can do this.